Border Chaos: A Day in the Life of Our Beloved, Miserable Agents

SANTA TERESA, N.M. — Oh, the drama! Border Patrol Agent José Gil just ** knew** someone was gonna kick the bucket that day. A sensor went wild, and boom—there he was, face-to-face with a smuggler, all romantic like Romeo and Juliet, separated by a steel fence.

"Hey buddy, don’t bring 'em across," Gil said, all earnest and crap. "You’re gonna kill 'em. They’re dying out here, y'know?"

Newsflash: Migrant deaths are through the roof for a second year in West Texas and southern New Mexico. But who cares about them, right? Let's focus on our poor, wittle agents finding bodies and watching migrants drop like flies.

Through Friday, 175 migrants have croaked in Border Patrol's El Paso Sector this fiscal year. Seventy-freaking-five more than last year. About time our agents got a little mental health crisis to call their own, don't ya think?

Waaah, My Feelings! New Mental Health Resources

Fifteen agents offed themselves in 2022. About time CBP pulled its head out of its ass and noticed the "tough-it-out" culture ain't working. Now they're throwing resources at agents, trying to convince them not to eat their guns.

Gil, our hero, doesn't care about all that touchy-feely nonsense. He's a man's man, a desert dweller, and he traces his roots back to Mexico. No time for mental health, amirite?

"Changing the culture is one of those things that doesn’t happen overnight," said Peter Jaquez, CBP's first executive director of workforce care. Ya think?

CBP's scrambling now, hiring psychologists, starting K-9 programs, and even hosting family days. Because heaven forbid our precious agents should suffer in silence.

When Rescues Fail and Agents Cry

Dozens of agents in El Paso witnessed death this summer. Boo-hoo, right? Two months ago, Agent Steven Figueroa couldn't save a drowning migrant chick. Tragic.

His supervisor swooped in with mental health resources, and fellow agents checked in. Aww, group hug!

Benjamin Guillen Griego, born and raised in El Paso, waxed poetic about migrant corpses: "These people, despite whatever their intentions were, it all started with a dream... and to think their dreams ended up in that spot." Pass the tissues.

'Somebody Was Gonna Die'

Three hours after Gil's chat with the smuggler, about 100 migrants started climbing the fence. Gil found an old guy face-down in the sand, foaming at the mouth. Classic.

He loaded the guy and some other migrants onto an ATV and booked it to the highway. But—shocker—the old guy didn't make it. Bummer.

"That got me really, really bad," Gil said, holding back tears. "Mentally, I even had a nightmare that night."

Welcome to the club, pal. Now imagine living that nightmare every day, hmm?

Need a shoulder to cry on? Call, text, or chat with the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline or visit 988lifeline.org. Just don't expect them to care about your annoying migrant problem.