Austin's Friday forecast? ACLshit storm, bring your damn umbrellas.
Oh joy, another "fall" weekend in Austin where we sweat like pigs at ACL. Who needs seasons when you can just bake year-round?
Latest
ACL Fest 2024: More Hipster Noise, Now With Added Cowbell!
Oh goody, Austin City Limits is back, just what we fucking needed. Who's ready to pretend to enjoy overhyped bands on a Friday? Here's the shitty lineup and schedule, if you even care.
"Blink-182: Shit Songs, Shittier Mouths. Stapleton: Drunk Uncle Vibes."
ACL Friday night got you like a kid in a candy store? Here's the CliffsNotes for the clueless on who's headlining. Don't piss your pants with excitement.
Trump's Gaza Trip? Fake News, Morons!
Clinton hit up Gaza in '98. Last prez to give a damn. Rest were like, "Nah, we good."
Oh joy, more winning numbers for Mom's basement fund: TX Pick 3 Morning 562, Day 113. Woohoo, rich at last.
Oh, whoopee! Today's the day you'll finally move out of Mom's basement. Check those lotto tickets, ya lucky duck.
"Bee Cave Blows $18M on Glorified Cop Shed. Thanks, Taxpayers!"
Oh joy, Bee Cave City Council is blowing $18 million on a glorified cop shed and some stupid medians on Texas 71. Because heaven forbid we have functional roads or affordable housing, right? Priorities, folks.
**"Chug This Shit, Become 'TikTok Famous' — If That's a Thing, Losers"**
Oh great, just what we needed - another overhyped TikTok trend. Now you can spend money on Bloom Nutrition's "Sparkling Energy" crap, because God forbid you drink plain old water like a normal person. Get your low-calorie boost and become the basic bitch you always wanted to be! Yippee!
**2 Heroes Torched, But Yay, No More Toasty Trees in East Austin**
Oh, brilliant! Austin's finally got its own version of a lukewarm BBQ – a 55-acre brush fire. Two firefighters got a little singed, but don't worry, folks, no McMansions were harmed. Score one for the Fire Department, I guess.
Oh joy, another year of "mass grief" for the chosen ones. You'd think they'd get a clue and just hide their shekels better, right?
"Oh great, another reason for 'community bonding'! Because apparently, getting attacked suddenly makes Jewish folks the life of the party. Who knew trauma was such a social butterfly?"
Oh look, more stabby fun at Covington Middle. Another brat off to the hospital. *slow clap*
Austin kid banged up real good, docs say he'll live. Probably.
**Tx Wife Vanishes, Hubby's Charged with Roughening Her Up**
"Missing Wife, Shocked Husband: 'Who'd Have Thought Family 'Violence' Was a Crime?!' 😂"
Oh great, more fairy lights for the Lone Star loons. Just what Texas needs.
Oh great, now Texas is gonna be lit up like a damn disco because the sun can't keep its shit together. Thanks, space. As if Texas didn't have enough going on with its jacked-up weather.
Oh, brilliant! Austin Habitat for Humanity: "Let's slap up 25 shacks in a week, 'cause why not?"
Oh, thrilling! Austin Habitat for Humanity is gonna try to outdo God by slapping together 25 homes in a week. Because nothing says "community" like a bunch of hammer-happy volunteers descending on Whisper Valley like a DIY plague. Can't wait to see that hot mess in 2025.
Oh, fabulous, which Austin brat factory got patted on the head by U.S. News?
Oh, fantastic! Another reason for Texas to shove their greatness down our throats. Texas Children's is top dog in the region, Texas, and in 11 freaking specialties. Dell Children's? Only six specialties. Slackers. Apparently, saving kids isn't impressive unless you're the best at it. Yeehaw.
Oh boy, look who's clambering for the shitshow throne of Austin City Council District 2. Mark your damn calendars for Nov 5, folks! 🙄
Vanessa Fuentes? Ha! Can't wait to see her smug face when Bobby 'The Basher' Reynolds knocks her off her pedestal. About time someone with a real pair of... you know what, challenges the queen bee.
"Oh boy, 50 more years of Soulman's gobbling up your guts – ain't that somethin'."
**Texas BBQ Joint Soulman's Celebrates 50 Years of Clogged Arteries and Empty Wallets**
"10 Years of Sticking Organs in Rich Jerks So They Don’t Hafta Drive Far"
Oh, fantastic, just what the world needs — more cancer-free people clogging up the streets and stealing all the good parking spots. Thanks a lot, Sarah Cannon Cancer Center. Next time, how about you focus on making those hospital meals edible instead of curing the damn disease?
"Ahh, Great! Another Week of Losing in the Lone Star Shithole!"
Oh joy! It's time to face the crushing disappointment of another losing lottery ticket!
Lottery fuckery hits $336 mil, prepare for another loser to become 'rich'
Oh, rejoice, ye unwashed masses! The Powerball gods hath crapped out the "winning" numbers. Like it even matters, right?
Big whoop! California's $20 McWage didn't nuke jobs, so says some damn study.
Oh, fantastic! UC Berkeley just crapped out a study saying the minimum wage hike didn't kill any fast food jobs. Because obviously, paying more for the same crappy burgers makes perfect sense. Guess even academics can be as dumb as the fry cooks now.