Firefighters Finally Tame Austin Blaze; Two Heroes Injured, Equipment Blamed

Oh joy, another thrilling Thursday in East Austin! A measly 55-acre brush fire decided to throw a tantrum in the 9500 block of FM 969, but don't worry folks, it's been put to bed now. Yawn.

Two brave (or stupid, depending on how you look at it) firefighters got themselves injured fighting the boredom—I mean, blaze. Austin Fire Department spilled the beans on X, but didn't bother to tell us if they'll live or become crispy critters. Guess we'll have to wait for the next season of "When Firefighters Go Bad."

Rachael Lewis, the department's spokes-babe, assured us in a totally not-boring news conference that no structures were burned. Gasp! How will we ever recover from such a close call?

Apparently, when the fire started around lunchtime, it was just a quarter-acre baby blaze. But thanks to multiple wind shifts and the oh-so-dry weather we've been having, it grew into a toddler terror. "We have had drier conditions the past couple of weeks that allow the fire to burn hotter and faster," Lewis said, stating the obvious.

For a hot second, a school, a jail, and a neighborhood were in the potential crispy zone, but plot twist—the fire decided to move on. Bummer, I was hoping for some real chaos. The school, which was only hosting a camp (because who doesn't want to send their kids to school in the summer?), evacuated itself. Way to steal the fire department's thunder, nerds.

A whopping 100 firefighters from Austin and Travis County Emergency Services were on the scene, along with two helicopters and some drones. Because who doesn't love a good firefighting party?

Lewis also warned us not to evacuate ourselves unless absolutely necessary, because apparently, we're all just dying to cause traffic jams and block emergency vehicles. Thanks, Mom.

Earlier, Austin Fire Department was all "we're working on it, chill out" as they battled the rapidly spreading fire. They even told us to avoid the area. Gee, thanks for the heads up, geniuses.

But hey, at least the winds died down later in the day, helping our heroes in their quest to tame the beastly blaze.

So there you have it, folks. Another thrilling day in the life of East Austin. Be sure to check back later for more updates on this utterly riveting story. Eye roll.

Can't get enough of this nonsense? Check back later for more "updates."