Austin City Limits Music Festival: Because Who Asked For This?

Oh boy, it's back! Austin City Limits Music Festival is here for another round, because clearly, the world needs more traffic jams and overpriced beers.

Weekend Two: The Cacophony Continues

Brace yourselves, here are some "acts" that are set to grace the stages at Zilker Park. Spoiler alert: they're as underwhelming as your mom's meatloaf.

Honda Stage: Snoozeville Central

• 12:55 p.m. to 1:40 p.m.: Late Night Drive Home (Because traffic isn't bad enough, let's make it worse with some lame tunes.)
• 2:25 p.m. to 3:10 p.m.: Hudson Westbrook (Who? Exactly.)
• 4:10 p.m. to 5:10 p.m.: Norah Jones (Last relevant in 2002, but sure.)
• 6:10 p.m. to 7:10 p.m.: Foster The People (They'll play "Pumped Up Kicks" and then what?)
• 8:10 p.m.: blink-182 (Great, more middle-aged punks reliving their glory days.)

Miller Lite Stage: The Hangout for Basic Betties

• 1:40 p.m. to 2:25 p.m.: Katie Pruitt (Pass the PBR, please.)
• 3:10 p.m. to 4:10 p.m.: The Sinseers (Sinseers or Snoozers? You decide.)
• 5:10 p.m. to 6:10 p.m.: Royel Otis (Who's Royel Otis? Sounds like a fancy ketchup.)
• 7:10 p.m. to 8:10 p.m.: Elderbrook (Better have some elderbeer on hand for this one.)

BMI Stage: Who Are These People?

• 1:40 p.m. to 2:25 p.m.: Vanilla is Black (Well, at least they're trying to be inclusive.)
• 3:10 p.m. to 3:55 p.m.: Bre Kennedy (If you say so, ACL.)
• 5:10 p.m. to 6:10 p.m.: WhooKilledKenny (Probably the best question of the day.)

IHG Hotels and Resorts Stage: More Unknowns

• 2:00 p.m. to 2:45 p.m.: Theo Lawrence (Is he related to Jennifer Lawrence? Doubt it.)
• 3:30 p.m. to 4:30 p.m.: Mickey Guyton (Country music? In this economy?)
• 5:45 p.m. to 6:30 p.m.: St. Lucia (Because we need more fake Caribbean vibes in Texas.)
• 7:30 p.m. to 8:30 p.m.: Jeezy (Finally, someone who’s actually famous.)

Tito's Handmade Vodka Stage: The Drunk Stage

• 1:15 p.m. to 2:00 p.m.: The Huston-Tillotson University Jazz Collective (Jazz? Really?)
• 2:45 p.m. to 3:30 p.m.: CMAT (Never heard of, never will.)
• 4:30 p.m. to 5:30 p.m.: Eggy (Sounds egg-stra boring.)
• 6:30 p.m. to 8:30 p.m.: Santigold (At least someone's got gold in their name.)
• 8:00 p.m. to 10:00 p.m.: Silent Disco (Nothing like fake dancing to fake DJs.)

T-Mobile Stage: Who Cares?

• 2:00 p.m. to 2:45 p.m.: Sir Chloe (Sounds pretentious already.)
• 3:30 p.m. to 4:30 p.m.: The Paper Kites (Will they fall out of the sky?)
• 5:30 p.m. to 6:30 p.m.: Stephen Sanchez (Another name to add to the who?)
• 7:30 p.m. to 8:30 p.m.: The Marías (Mariah Carey’s backup singers?)

American Express Stage: The Fancy People Stage

• 1:15 p.m. to 2:00 p.m.: Paul Kelly (Who dis?)
• 2:45 p.m. to 3:00 p.m.: Dasha (Oh, great, more unknowns.)
• 4:30 p.m. to 5:30 p.m.: Carin León (At least it sounds exotic.)
• 6:30 p.m. to 7:30 p.m.: Leon Bridges (Okay, he's actually decent.)
• 8:30 p.m.: Chris Stapleton (The one redeemable act.)

ACL Fest 2024 map

Where do I enter ACL Fest?

Pick your poison:

• Barton Springs Road: West entrance near Andrew Zilker Road and the east entrance near Azie Morton Road.
• Lady Bird entrance: Located on Stratford Drive, close to Loop 1 (MoPac Boulevard).
• Azie Morton Road entrance: The most crowded, because why not make the lines longer?

Good luck out there, suckers. Don't say I didn't warn you.