entertainment

Astro-Bullshit: Dua Lipa for Leos, Tyler for Pisces. Who Gives a Shit?

Oh, fantastic. Now your shitty zodiac sign has its own shitty ACL artist. Just what the world needed, more validation for your astrological bullshit.

Published October 11, 2024 at 7:02am by

Zodiacal Zilker: Your Mumbo-Jumbo Guide to ACL

Oh, you're a toxic Scorpio? A pretentious Aquarius? Whatever, you basement-dwelling loser. Here's who to suffer through at ACL this weekend, based on your cosmic junk mail.

Aries (March 21-April 19) — Blink-182
Yeah, yeah, you're a fire sign. Go moshing to Blink's three-minute teen anthems. Just don't break a leg, mommy's not here to kiss it better.

Taurus (April 20-May 20) — Chris Stapleton
You enjoy "resilient craft"? Sounds like you need a job, not a concert. Here's your country dude, now go build a fence or something.

Gemini (May 21-June 21) — That Mexican OT
You're the lawyers of the zodiac, huh? Well, here's a tongue-twisting rapper for you to argue about. Just don't expect anyone to care.

Cancer (June 22-July 22) — Benson Boone
You're an emotional well, huh? Here's a pop guy who does backflips. Try not to drown in your own tears when he's not good enough for you.

Leo (July 23- Aug. 22) — Dua Lipa
Oh look, another Leo wanting attention. Go photobomb Dua's set, maybe she'll notice you. Maybe she won't. Who cares?

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) — Jungle
You appreciate hard work? Here's a dance party with ambitious instrumentation. Try not to have an aneurysm from all the "fun".

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) — Reneé Rapp
Oh, you're judgy? Here's someone for you to judge. Try to stand for something, just this once.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) — Orville Peck
You're not to be trusted, and neither is this masked country star. Match made in heaven. Or hell. Who knows?

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) — Chappell Roan
You like pace and purpose? Here's the new "YMCA". Try not to set the dance floor on fire with your "energy".

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) — Sturgill Simpson
You'll side-eye this Gemini guitar god, but don't worry, you'll learn to trust him. Or not. Who cares?

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) — Khruangbin
You dislike lazy art? Here's some vibes-only jam band. Try not to roll your eyes too hard.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) — Tyler, the Creator
You're wise, huh? Here's a philosopher for you. Try not to drown in your own thoughts.

Need a break from all this astrological nonsense? Play the USA TODAY Daily Crossword Puzzle. Maybe it'll make more sense than this stuff.