opinion

Oh great, Austin's gone full hippie. Let's all hug trees and sing kumbaya while our power bills skyrocket. Thanks a lot, you granola-munching idiots.

Oh great, now City Council's gonna let freeloaders slap solar panels on your roof so they can feel good about themselves while you're stuck with the bill. Because why invest in your own damn property, right?

Published October 12, 2024 at 6:38am by

Holy Crap, Your Roof Might Finally Be Useful

Get ready to have your minds blown, losers. The Austin City Council is about to vote on something called the Solar Standard Offer program. Yeah, I can't believe I'm talking about roofs either, but here we are.

Apparently, Austin has a shit ton of roofs and sunshine, which means we can finally put those ugly tops on our houses to work. Solar companies are gonna lease your roof space, slap some panels on there, and sell the juice to Austin Energy. No more shelling out thousands or taking loans to look like you care about the environment.

Austin Energy's gonna pay a whopping 11.24 cents per kilowatt-hour for the good stuff, and slightly less for the bigger systems. I mean, who cares about the details, right? It's not like we're actually going to read this crap.

Now, don't get too excited, small-scale isn't as small as your... nevermind. The point is, this could actually make a difference. Thousands of megawatts of solar potential, just sitting there, doing nothing. Well, except hiding your mom's ugly shingles.

They're gonna start with the big boys first, but by 2026, even your shitty little house can get in on the action. And let's face it, you need the extra cash. The only other options involve burning stuff and making the air even shittier than it already is.

They're gonna pair this with some batteries, blah blah blah, and it'll somehow help the Community Solar program. You know, for the poor saps who can't put solar on their own roofs. Like renters. Losers.

But hey, at least it'll benefit Austin Energy, the environment, and public health. And maybe, just maybe, you can finally move out of your mom's basement with all that sweet, sweet solar cash.

Customers can sign up for the Community Solar waiting list on the Austin Energy website.

Kaiba White is some climate policy and outreach specialist. Like anyone cares.