Stone Paths: Because Concrete is for Chumps

Listen up, basement-dwellers, Mom’s calling you for dinner but first, let me hit you with some stone-cold truths about natural stone paths. Unlike those tacky man-made pavers that go out of style faster than your ex’s Instagram filters, stone paths are forever. Just like your crippling loneliness.

Why Your Stone Walkway is a Hot Mess

Ever seen stones that have sunk so deep they’re practically hugging the Earth’s core? Yeah, that’s called settling. It’s like when you settle for a job you hate, but in this case, it’s your stones giving up on life. Uneven, hazardous, and a magnet for dirt and grass clippings—sounds like my dating profile.

Preventing Stone Walkway Cracks: A Guide for the Chronically Inept

Another rookie mistake? Using stones softer than a millennial’s work ethic. If they’re too porous, they’ll absorb water and crumble like your dreams of a Tinder match who’s actually into nice guys.

Thinking of DIY-ing? Be ready for backaches, crushed fingers, and maybe even a hernia. It’s like trying to dance with a partner who’s not into you—there will be bumps, bruises, and awkward silences. Respect rocks, they can mess you up worse than a bad breakup.

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The Least Terrible Stones for Your Path

Want your path to last? Pick dense, hard rock like ledge limestone or granite. Stay away from porous stones like “creek rock” or “fossil rock”—they’re thebasic bitches of the stone world, absorbing moisture and crumbling under pressure.

Building a Simple Stone Path: A Journey of Self-Loathing

Dig a trench deeper than your thickest stone, spread some one-inch “crusher run” limestone, and pack it tight. Lay your stones on pea gravel, make sure they’re level, and wiggle them around until they’re set. It’s like trying to balance your social life—impossible, but you keep trying.

Mowing Near Your Path: Because Lawn Care is Life

Make the top surface of each stone level with the ground so you can mow over it. If it’s in a landscape bed, set the stones higher for easy mulching. It’s like setting your standards low enough that even you can meet them.

Preventing Weeds: Because Nature is a Jerk

Wash the stones, stuff mulch between them, and spread it flush with the top. Keep it clean, fellas. No one likes a messy path—or a messy life, for that matter.

Now stand back, admire your work, and realize that this is the most accomplishment you’ll ever feel. Good job, you didn’t screw this one up. Yet.

Steve Boehme is a landscape designer/installer specializing in landscape “makeovers.” (He’s probably better at relationships too.)