Colorado Man Kicks the Bucket in Tourist Trap Gold Mine

The world lost another loser on Thursday when Patrick Weier, a Mollie Kathleen Gold Mine tour guide, met his maker after being trapped underground for hours due to a busted elevator. Just another day in paradise, folks.

Around noon, the elevator at this godforsaken tourist trap near the town of Cripple Creek (aptly named, apparently) decided to crap out. Suddenly, the tourists, including some rugrats and whiners with minor scrapes, were stuck at the bottom of a 1,000-foot abyss.

Authorities rushed in and used some janky trolley system to fish out the lesser hostages, leaving the real unlucky ones, including Weier, stuck for a whopping six hours. Count 'em, six.

Just a Little Hiccup

Teller County Sheriff Jason Mikesell, who clearly needs to reconsider his career choices, said that no one at the bottom somehow ended up with serious injuries. Meanwhile, Weier, caught in this mess, bit the dust.

“Teller County has about 30,000 people. The community this guy came from has less than 400. Cripple Creek has about 1200. Just let that sink in for a minute. This is a tragedy… for someone, I guess,” Teller County Commissioner Dan Williams droned on.

The Blame Game

An investigation is underway to find out why the elevator tried to kill everyone.

“We know something went wrong at 500 feet – duh. Some issue with the doors, or maybe a ghost, who knows?” Mikesell said. “Those elevators are small. Like really small. And we don’t know if it dropped or just got stuck. Maybe it was having an existential crisis."

Mikesell added that the mine is run by a "good" family. "They've been at this for like 60 years. Guess they finally got tired."

Let’s Talk About Patrick

In a sad attempt to remember Weier, tributes are flooding in, calling him a "devoted dad" to a 7-year-old brat. A GoFundMe page set up for the kid reads, “Every contribution no matter how small will make a difference" – because nothing says love like cold, hard cash.

Facebook tears also flowed for the “great daddy” and “hero.” Others called him a “light in a dark, dark world.” Guess they haven’t seen true darkness yet.

Story by everyone's favorite journo, Ahjané Forbes, who loves covering this drivel. Reach out at aforbes@gannett.com or follow on Instagram, Threads, and X (Twitter) @forbesfineest.