Wow, Texas is a Furnace – Who Cares? Here’s How to Not Die at ACL

Alright, you pathetic music fanatics willing to burn alive for some tunes – here’s the tea on surviving the oven that is Austin City Limits. Buckle up, you heat-seeking masochists.

1. Drag Your Reusable Water Bottle Like a Grown-Up

Newsflash: you’re gonna need water, duh. Show up with that fancy water bottle you got for Christmas and chug like your life depends on it (because it does). Once you’re in, hit the water stations like a thirsty camel. Hate crowds? Refill between sets while you’re crying over your missed connections.

2. Power Up with Magic Pixie Dust (AKA Liquid IV)

God bless whoever invented those little hydration packets. They’re like Kool-Aid on steroids. Down them like a chaser before you drown in alcohol or just because you can’t handle adulting. Single-use? Perfect for you commitment-phobes!

Bored already? Do this dumb puzzle instead.

3. Be That Guy with the Handheld Fan

Look, standing in this heat sucks. Grab a fan, you genius. Lucky for you, ACL has some industrial fans near the stages. But if you’re in the back with the plebs, whip out that paper or electric fan. Just don’t get too close, or your hair will end up looking like a bird’s nest. Real talk.

4. Don’t Go Full Bananas, Soak Some Bandanas

Wear a bandana, not just to look cool, but to slap it on your sweaty neck. Instant relief or a zombie apocalypse look? You decide. Remember your pressure points – neck, inner elbows, knees – and dunk that rag in water every time you refill.

5. Forget Front Row, Chill in the Shade

Yeah, we all want that perfect view, but who cares if you’re passing out from heatstroke? Head to the shady spots with your binoculars – you won’t get those sweet close-up videos, but you’ll live to post about it later.

So there you have it, you sweaty music nerds. Good luck, and may the odds be ever in your parched, overheated favor. Not that I care.