Free COVID-19 Tests: Because Why Would the Government Want You to Live Past Christmas?

In a move that's about as surprising as your mom's disappointment in you, the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services (HHS) is doling out free COVID-19 tests like they're candy on Halloween. But hey, plot twist: these bad boys expire faster than your chances of getting a date.

So, why are the tests turning into little time bombs? The Administration for Strategic Preparedness and Response (ASPR) has an excuse, because of course they do.

“Tests sent out through COVIDTests.gov will have at least two months before they expire and are intended for near-term use during the holiday season,” Zachary Dembner, an ASPR spokesperson, told USA TODAY. In other words, use 'em or lose 'em, suckers.

But don't worry, folks. If you're worried about your test being as useful as a year-old carton of eggs, Dembner's got an answer for that too. “Many COVID-19 tests have extended expiration dates beyond what is printed on the box, and consumers should verify their test’s expiration on the FDA website,” he said. Because who doesn't love a good game of expiration date roulette?

Meanwhile, the U.S. Postal Service (USPS) is acting like it's Christmas in October, shipping millions of these tests. “The distribution of these at-home test kits is a vital public health initiative,” Postmaster General Louis DeJoy said. Yeah, right. Vital for who? The virus trying to make a comeback?

How long will the free COVID-19 tests be available?

According to the HHS, these tests are available until the end of the year. You know, because nothing says "Happy New Year" like a positive COVID test.

Where can I get these tests?

If you're itching to get your hands on one of these, you can still buy them from pharmacies. HHS advises you to check with local retailers to see where they’re sold. Or, if you're feeling lucky, you can try to score some low-cost or no-cost tests by contacting a HRSA-funded health center or ICATT location.

How can I get free COVID-19 tests?

Feeling cheap? Visit COVIDTest.gov or special.usps.com/testkits to order them. You'll need to provide your name and shipping address. Emails are optional, but let's be real, who doesn't want more spam in their inbox?

Do I need to show ID or proof of residence?

Nah, just fill out a form from the USPS. Because apparently, verifying your identity is too much work when you're already struggling to figure out if your test is expired.

Can I get these tests mailed to me?

You betcha! They'll be shipped to you for free. Who said the government never gives you anything?

But what if I test positive?

Great question! If you test positive, you get the joy of following the CDC's guidelines to prevent the spread of the virus. Isn't that exciting?

So there you have it, folks. Free tests that expire faster than your hope for the future. Happy holidays! 🍻