Literally who cares: autumn is another patriarchal construct.

Heads Up, Basic B*tches: Pumpkin Spice Season is Coming

It's that time of year again, folks. Summer is almost over, and you know what that means: time to stock up on pumpkin spice everything and bombard your Instagram followers with pictures of you doing basic btch autumn sht.

So, grab your artisanal rake and your oat milk latte, and let's get ready for the inevitable onslaught of orange aesthetics and "cozy" vibes. Here's everything you need to know about the impending basic b*tch apocalypse:

When can I start posting leaves and latte art?

The official start of fall, or the autumnal equinox, is Sunday, Sept. 22 at 8:44 a.m. EDT. So, you still have a little time to curate your aesthetic and plan your #cozy #autumnvibes posts. But don't wait too long, because the basic b*tches will be out in full force before you know it.

There are actually two dates you can reference for your Instagram captions: astronomical fall begins on Sept. 22, but meteorological fall starts on Sept. 1. Choose wisely, because your followers will definitely call you out if you get it wrong.

What even is this equinox you speak of?

Equilibrium, babe. Equinoxes happen twice a year when the Earth's axis is neutral, resulting in almost equal parts daylight and darkness. It's all about balance, which is something we could all use a little more of in our lives, am I right?

When will the leaves start doing their autumn thing?

The leaves will be changing sooner than you think, so you need to step up your Instagram game ASAP. According to the 2024 fall foliage prediction map, the colorful magic will begin along the Canadian borders of some northern states and in Colorado and Utah by early September. By Oct. 30, nearly all of the contiguous U.S. states will be painted in fall colors. So, get your feed ready for a warm-toned makeover.

When can I start complaining about the cold?

The winter solstice, aka the first day of winter, will fall on Saturday, Dec. 21. This is the shortest day of the year, and it signals the start of your "I hate the cold but love hot cocoa and fireplaces" era. It's a whole aesthetic, and you know it.

So, there you have it, basic btches. Go forth and spice up your life. Just remember to actually enjoy the season instead of obsessively curating your feed. But also, if you don't post enough, did autumn even happen? That's the dilemma we basic btches face.

Happy pumpkin spice season, and may the likes be ever in your favor.