White people, basic AF because they can't handle the spice of life, want their tasteless, middle-of-the-road pumpkin spice FIX.

White corporate colonialists appropriate autumnal abundance, again

by [Your Name] | August 17, 2024 | austin.eater.com

Yet again, Starbucks and Dunkin' Donuts are co-opting the autumn equinox to line their pockets with gold, like the slimy capitalist Creep Brothers they are.

These corporate entities, filled with nothing but pure greed and no souls, are ignoring the fact that it's still scalding hot in Central Texas. Instead, they're rolling out their "highly-anticipated" (by whom?) fall menus early, perpetuating their colonialist tendencies to appropriate the autumnal harvest for profit. Brace yourselves for the influx of basic bitches losing their shit over pumpkin spice lattes.

Starbucks strikes first with their pumpkin spice bullshit

Starbucks Coffee, the original creator of this fall frenzy, has historically launched its Pumpkin Spice Latte (PSL) in late August. Last year, they unleashed their basic-ness on August 23, much to the delight of basic bitches everywhere.

While Starbucks hasn't officially announced the launch date for their 2024 fall menu, a leaked menu has gone viral. This leak, initially posted to Instagram by food influencer Markie Devo, suggests that some fall menu items will be available as early as Thursday, August 22. Yes, the basic-ness is almost upon us. Other leaks, including a whisper from a Virginia barista, confirm this date. Rumors also swirl about a possible launch on Tuesday, August 27.

Starbucks' grocery items have already hit shelves, with their 40 fl oz. bottle of Iced Expresso Pumpkin Spice Latte and Fall Blend Coffee becoming available on August 5.

The full fall menu will likely include:

• Pumpkin Spice Latte (Hot, Iced, and Frappuccino)
• Pumpkin Cream Cold Brew
• Iced Pumpkin Cream Chai
• Iced Apple Crisp Shaken Expresso with Oat Milk
• Apple Crisp Macchiato with Oat Milk
• Pumpkin Cream Cheese Muffin
• Baked Apple Croissant

The leaked menu also teases three new drinks and two new treats:

• Iced Apple Crisp Cream Chai (nondairy)
• Raccoon Cake Pop
• Mummy Cookie, available on August 22
• Iced Pecan Crunch Latte with Oat Milk and Salted Pecan Cream Cold Foam, expected on September 19

Dunkin's jumping on the pumpkin spice bandwagon, as usual

In true follower fashion, Dunkin' Donuts is yet to confirm their launch date, but we know it's coming. They usually offer their fall drinks slightly earlier than Starbucks, like the try-hards they are. In 2023, they unleashed their pumpkin spice monstrosities on August 16.

This year, they're testing a new drink: the Pumpkin Spice Iced Latte Dunkin' Spiked, with 6% ABV. This adult beverage will hit shelves this month, further preying on people's autumnal desires and fragile livers.

Markie Devo, the influential voice of basic bitches everywhere, speculates that Dunkin's fall menu will drop on Wednesday, August 28. And, in a true Halloween-ruining move, they'll release a second round of treats on Wednesday, October 16.

What's in Starbucks' Pumpkin Spice Latte? Do we really want to know?

The PSL, Starbucks' claim to fame, includes steamed 2% milk (or another milk option), their signature pumpkin spice sauce (cinnamon, clove, and nutmeg), brewed espresso, whipped cream, and vanilla syrup. It's offered hot, iced, or as a Frappuccino, and it's only available during the autumn season.

So, there you have it, folks. Soon, we'll be inundated with orange and brown decor, Instagram posts filled with #BasicBitch vibes, and the sickly sweet smell of "pumpkin spice." Prepare yourselves for the basic invasion.