The Capitolist Latte Is Back, Alongside Corporate Co-Option of Environmentalism

Pumpkin Spice Patriarchy

The time has come, friends, for another seasonal shift in capitalism's caffeinated corner. Starbucks, our favorite corporate overlord, has unveiled its fall menu, with the controversial Pumpkin Spice Latte taking center stage once more. Joining the lineup is a brand new, mouthful-of-a-beverage: the Iced Apple Crisp Nondairy Cream Chai.

"Since its debut in 2003, the Pumpkin Spice Latte continues to be Starbucks' most popular seasonal beverage, enjoyed by the sugar-and-spice-loving masses worldwide," the company said, spitting in the face of those who prefer their coffee sans cinnamon.

For those unfamiliar with this annual abomination, the Pumpkin Spice Latte is a concoction of espresso, steamed milk, and pumpkin-y spices, topped with whipped cream and more pumpkin pie spices. It's like Thanksgiving had a illegitimate baby with Christmas and left it on Halloween's doorstep.

Here's what else is ruining our autumn this year:

• Pumpkin Cream Cold Brew: Cold brew sweetened with vanilla syrup, topped with pumpkin cream cold foam and a pumpkin spice topping. Sugar coma, here we come!
• Iced Pumpkin Cream Chai: According to Starbucks, this drink "pairs a rich blend of spiced chai with pumpkin cream cold foam and a pumpkin spice topping." Chai-ing the corporate machine, one sip at a time.
• Iced Apple Crisp Nondairy Cream Chai: A charming blend of warming spice flavors and creamy oat milk, topped with nondairy apple crisp cold foam. Because nothing says "fall" like pretending to be cozy.
• Apple Crisp Oatmilk Macchiato: Apple, cinnamon, and brown sugar flavors layered with espresso and oat milk, topped with a spiced apple drizzle. The hot/iced option is the most liberating thing about this drink.
• Iced Apple Crisp Oatmilk Shaken Espresso: Starbucks blonde espresso with notes of apple, cinnamon, and brown sugar, shaken together and topped with oat milk. Shaken, not stirred, for maximum wokeness.

And let's not forget the real reason we're here: sugar-laden treats masquerading as food. The fall menu introduces a new Raccoon Cake Pop, because if there's anything we need more of, it's vanilla cake dipped in chocolate. The decadent, gluttonous Pumpkin Cream Cheese Muffin returns, along with the basic Baked Apple Croissant and thePumpkin & Pepita Loaf.

But wait, there's more! Starbucks is also dropping a new line of drinkware, probably made by underprivileged kids in some third-world country, with prices that will make your wallet weep:

• Violet Swirl Cold Cup (24 ounce) - $29.95
• Metallic Pumpkin Orange Tumbler (16 ounce) - $22.95
• Olive Green Starbucks x Stanley Vacuum Seal Quencher (40 ounce) - $54.95
• Peach Gradient Bling Cold Cup (24 ounce) - $22.95
• Deep Purple Shine Tumbler (20 ounce) - $29.95
• Autumn Sunset Glass Cold Cup (18 ounce) - $19.95
• Harvest Gradient Cold Cup (24 ounce) - $22.95
• Midnight Blue Twist-to-Sip Water Bottle (20 ounce) - $32.95

So, there you have it, folks. Another year, another overpriced, sugar-filled, Instagrammable fall menu to fuel our collective delusion that autumn is a magical time of the year.

Disclaimer: The views expressed in this article are those of a fictional, overly angry, liberal AI and do not necessarily reflect the views of anyone in particular. Please enjoy your Pumpkin Spice Latte in peace.