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"Capitalism Prevails: Diabetes Duo Tackles Football Fans, Because Who Needs Healthcare?"

Oh great, just what America needs—a Type 2 Diabetes Dream Team. Krispy Kreme and Dr Pepper have huddled together to bring you a squad of junk-filled doughnuts for football season. Because nothing says "touchdown" like a sugar coma. Thanks, corporate overlords, for keeping us healthy and woke! 🍩🥤🏈💀

Published August 21, 2024 at 11:02pm by Gabe Hauari

Oh, fantastic, just what we needed—another corporate match made in heaven! Krispy Kreme and Dr Pepper have decided to bless us with their unholy matrimony just in time for football season. Because if there’s one thing America needs more of, it’s sugary, diabetes-inducing treats masquerading as football spirit.

Starting this Friday, Aug. 23, the Krispy Kreme x Dr Pepper Kickoff Collection will grace our sugar-deprived taste buds. Hold onto your sarcasm, folks, because this collection includes an "all-new doughnut that delivers the refreshing experience of the iconic 23 original flavors of Dr Pepper." Because who doesn’t want to experience the joy of carbonated sugar in solid form?

Here’s the lineup:

Dr Pepper Kickoff Doughnut (New): An Original Glazed doughnut piped with Dr Pepper flavored frosting, featuring a burgundy sprinkle blend and topped with a white chocolate Dr Pepper logo. Because capitalizing on nostalgic flavors is the new marketing strategy.
Buttercreme Goals Doughnut (New): An Original Glazed doughnut dipped in green icing, topped with colorful sprinkles and a yellow buttercreme flavored goal post. Because nothing screams "football" like a doughnut drenched in artificial colors.
Kreme Filled Football Doughnut: An unglazed doughnut filled with white cream, dripped in chocolate icing and decorated as a football. Because the notion that you could eat a healthier snack during halftime is preposterous.

You can get these sugar bombs in-shop, for pick-up at participating shops, or for delivery via Krispy Kreme's app and website. Oh, and if that’s not enough, you can also get a custom half-dozen box at select retailers. Thank goodness for capitalism!

Dave Skena, global chief brand officer for Krispy Kreme, gushed, “Two of America's most loved flavors are about to become one amazing gameday sensation to make this the sweetest kickoff to football season ever. This Dr Pepper collection is a must-add to your gameday lineup, whoever you’re cheering for.”

And to add the cherry on top of this capitalist sundae, Krispy Kreme is offering free delivery Aug. 23-25 on all orders via the Krispy Kreme app and website. Because who needs to brave the outside world when you can have diabetes delivered straight to your door?

Gabe Hauari is a national trending news reporter at USA TODAY. You can follow him on X @GabeHauari or email him at Gdhauari@gannett.com.