Breaking: Teen Arrested for Threat to Graham Elementary, Because Apparently Some People Have Nothing Better to Do

In a jaw-dropping display of what-were-you-thinking, Austin police nabbed 17-year-old Giana Castillo on Tuesday for making terroristic threats to Graham Elementary School. Officials proudly announced this feat on Friday, probably expecting a medal.

The FBI, clearly having run out of real crimes to investigate, received a tip about some alarming Instagram posts. Because, you know, social media is where all the cool threats happen these days.

Despite no ongoing threat, Graham Elementary turned into Fort Knox, with extra police presence all week. Principal Bardo Montelongo reassured parents with not one, but two letters, because one just wasn't enough drama. "I understand how difficult this information feels to receive," he said, presumably while clutching his pearls.

Meanwhile, Austin district Police Chief Wayne Sneed proudly declared, "We’re committed to keeping our community safe," as if that wasn't literally his one job. Thanks for the update, Chief Obvious.

And get this—the district is finally hiring enough cops to have one at every elementary school. You know, like they should have done ages ago, but whatever. Thanks, House Bill 3!

If you're wondering about Castillo, Travis County Jail records weren't showing her as a guest, but her bail's set at a cool $100,000. Maybe she'll start a GoFundMe, "17 and Bailin'."

For those who want to join the fun, there's a campus safety meeting on Monday. Popcorn not included.

And the cherry on top? The investigation is "still ongoing," according to Austin police. Because nothing says efficiency like dragging out a case involving a minor and Instagram. Slow clap, everyone. Slow clap.