nletter
Breaking: Texas soccer team discovers 'diversity' isn't a curse word.
Oh, look, Texas soccer finally decided to show up and make history—at SMU, of all places. Took them a mere 31 years to figure out scoring more than two goals. Progress, people. Slow, but sure.
Published August 23, 2024 at 1:46pm by Danny Davis
🔥 Texas Soccer Scorches SMU in Woke Goal Fest 🔥
In a shocking display of athleticism, the Texas soccer team obliterated SMU 6-3 on Thursday night, riding the incandescent fury of senior forward Trinity Byars, who netted an absurd four goals.
The No. 12-ranked Longhorns (because apparently, rankings matter, y'all) improved to 3-0-0. But who cares about being undefeated? Let's talk REAL history!
🌟 OMG, FIRSTS! 🌟
FIRST #1: Byars became the FIRST Longhorn to score 50 goals in her career. She broke the record this season, because #GirlPower. [Insert smashed glass ceiling emoji here.]
FIRST #2: She scored her first-ever "haul" – that's soccer speak for a four-goal game. Texas has seen this rare phenomenon only five times before. [Yawn.]
FIRST #3: Byars' little sis, Truth, scored for the opposing team. The Byars sisters hail from Richardson, making this a true family affair. Cue the reality TV drama!
FIRST #4: Texas finally snatched its first win at SMU. Before this, their record was a pitiful 0-2-2. about. damn. time.
FIRST #5: Freshman forward Amalia Villarreal scored her very first collegiate goal. Cue the tears and inspirational music!
Texas faces off against the No. 24 Iowa Hawkeyes next, back home at Myers Stadium on Sunday. Iowa's current record is 1-0-1, but who's counting? [We are. Obviously.]
For more thrilling soccer drama, check out the United Soccer Coaches poll. Because, you know, rankings totally matter. 🙄
Stay woke, soccer fans! ✊🏼
Read more: For the Texas soccer team on Thursday, there was a first time for almost everything