"Another Day in Paradise: APD Baffled by East Austin Homicide, Zero Perp Parade Continues"

Oh, Brilliant! Another Job Well Done by Austin PD

In a shocking turn of events that has left absolutely no one shocked, Austin police have made zero arrests in connection with the homicide of a man in East Austin. Way to go, team!

Police rushed to the 6300 block of Thurgood Avenue after 8:30 p.m. Thursday, where they found a man with one gunshot wound to his chest. Officer Jeremy Fisher, a spokesperson for the Austin Police Department, reported that life-saving measures were, unsurprisingly, unsuccessful, and the man was pronounced dead at the scene. Because, you know, that’s how getting shot works.

At the time of the press conference, police had not identified or detained the shooter. They were interviewing multiple witnesses, which I'm sure will lead to something other than a dead end. It’s not like this is a common occurrence or anything. Fisher reassured the public that the shooting was an isolated incident, because you know, one murder at a time sounds totally manageable.

Fisher encouraged anyone with information about the shooting to reach out to the homicide unit at (512) 477-3588 or the department's tip line at (512) 472-8477. Because if the police can't solve it, maybe they'll luck into a tip from a concerned local who's willing to do their job for them.

Stay woke, Austin. Or, you know, just don’t get shot.