🌈 Oh Joy! Capitalism's Finest Hour is Upon Us! 🌈

Buckle up, comrades! The holiday season is breathing down our necks like a climate change-denier at a Greta Thunberg rally. But fear not! You can strike a blow to the capitalist pig... I mean, participate in their system, by splurging on weekends sales that'll make your wallet scream louder than a Bernie Sanders speech!

1. Amazon

Bezos' empire is bursting with savings on thousands of products, from iPads to tire inflators – because nothing says "holiday spirit" like pumping up your tires!

2. HexClad

Calling all woke chefs! Stock up on HexClad cookware – Gordon Ramsay approved, so you know it's absolutely bloody fantastic. Save big, and impress your comrades with your culinary prowess.

3. Walmart

Feel the thrill of the Walmart Holiday Deals – it's like the Hunger Games, but with better prizes! Sign up for a Walmart+ membership for 30 days free, and enjoy a cornucopia of deals!

4. Sam's Club

Save money this fall by joining your local capitalist commune – a.k.a. Sam's Club. Just $25 for a whopping 50% off! It's like storming the Bastille, but with better deals on Le Creuset.

5. Wayfair

Holiday shopping list longer than a CVS receipt? Wayfair's got you covered with discounts on Cuisinart cookware, Kelly Clarkson Home rugs, and more. Because nothing says "home for the holidays" like a celebrity-endorsed rug.

6. Canada Goose

Baby, it's cold outside – so wrap yourself in the warmth of capitalist luxury with a Canada Goose jacket. Used jackets up to 30% off! It's eco-friendly and budget-friendly(ish).

7. Zenni

Spice up your look with trendy sunnies or prescription glasses from Zenni. 20% off orders of $100 or more with code PRIME20USA. Because seeing clearly is revolutionary!

8. Factor

Eat like a (lazy) champ with Factor's meal kit subscription. 50% off your first box and free Wellness Shots for life! Vegan, keto, or just hungry – they've got you covered.

9. Target

Spruce up your home with up to 40% off home decor at Target. Join Target Circle for extra savings – Capitalism has never looked so chic!

10. The Farmer's Dog

Treat your furry comrade to healthy meals with 50% off your first box of The Farmer's Dog. It's vet-developed, human-grade, and almost good enough for you to eat too.

More weekend sales to shop

• Albany Park: New sectionals await!
• Staples: Ergonomic office furniture for your capitalist grind.
• OxiClean: Stock up on cleaning supplies, comrades!
• Joe & The Juice: Try Paris Hilton's exclusive beauty-boosting juice. Because why not?
• Banza: Gluten-free pasta loved by Serena Williams and Tom Brady. Eat like a champ!

Prices accurate at the time of this rant, but capitalism is fickle, so they might change.