Texas Governor Urges Texans to Finally Care About Israel on Special Day He Just Invented

Oh, joyous day! Our beloved cough Gov. Greg Abbott has graced us with a brand-new holiday, y'all! He's declared Monday a statewide "Day of Observance" for Israel, marking the first anniversary of the Hamas attacks. Time to whip out those flags and fly them at half-staff – because that's how we solve complex geopolitical conflicts, right? 🤦‍♂️

In his totally-not-pandering press release, Abbott boasts, "the State of Texas will do everything in our power to support the Jewish people here in Texas and in their defense of their homeland." Because nothing says support like a moment of silence and some lowered flags. allergic-face-emoji

But wait, there's more! Abbott's been a busy bee:

• He signed a law banning state agencies from doing business with companies that boycott Israel.
• Handed out $14 million in grants for security at houses of worship (no word on mosques though 🤔).
• Ordered agencies to avoid goods from Gaza and anyone tied to Hamas.
• Established the Texas Holocaust, Genocide, and Antisemitism Advisory Committee (catchy name, huh?).

The American Hostages We Almost Forgot

Four Americans are still kicking it in Gaza after being kidnapped a year ago. Here's the lineup:

• Keith Siegel
• Gadi Haggai
• Omer Neutra
• Judith Weinstein Haggai
• Sagui Dekel-Chen
• Edan Alexander
• Itay Chen

Remember them? Neither did we. 😶

Flaggin' Half-Staff Rules

Our dear leader has followed the U.S. Department of Veteran Affairs' flag-flying rules to a T. Flags are at half-staff for:

• Memorial Day (until noon)
• Peace Officers Memorial Day
• Patriot Day
• National Pearl Harbor Remembrance Day
• National Firefighters Memorial Day
• Deaths of important folks (timelines vary)

And let's not forget, the president can order flags at half-staff for other tragedies – like, say, a botched response to a pandemic. But who's counting? 🙄

-Brandi D. Addison of USA Today contributed to this totally woke and not-at-all-annoyed report.