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'Big DNA Biz in Limbo: Freak Out and Delete Data ASAP?'

Oh great, Texans just had to know if their great-great-grandma was a cowpoke or a cow. Now their DNA's likely dancing through the corporate saloon of 23andMe. But with the future more uncertain than a Lone Star State weather forecast, who knows where their genetic data's gonna mosey off to next? Buckle up, folks. It's gonna be a wild, uncomfortable ride.

Published October 9, 2024 at 9:46am by Marley Malenfant

Libs, Get Ready to Cancel Your Ancestry Obsession: 23andMe is Circling the Drain

Oh, you Texans and your ancestry curiosity! Bet you all jumped on the 23andMe bandwagon, huh? Well, buckle up, because the party's over.

The once-hyped 23andMe is now a financial dumpster fire, according to the capitalist whisperers at The Wall Street Journal. Yeah, the same company that raked in $299 million in 2023 and $219 million in 2024 is somehow still not profitable. Shocking, right? Their stock price peaked in February 2021 and has been in a freefall ever since, hitting an all-time low of 29 cents. Ouch.

Now, their 15 million customers are left scratching their heads, wondering what'll happen to their DNA data if 23andMe goes belly up.

Oops, They Did It Again: 6.9 Million Profiles Hacked

In a plot twist that surprises absolutely no one, 23andMe got hacked in 2023. Nearly 7 million DNA Relatives and Family Tree profiles were compromised.

"In early October, we learned that a threat actor accessed a select number of individual 23andMe.com accounts through a process called credential stuffing," they casually mentioned in a blog post. Translation: people used the same username and password for 23andMe as they did for other hacked sites. Genius.

They recently reached a $30 million settlement for the data breach. But let's be real, that's just a Band-Aid on a gaping wound.

One of their many problems? Customers aren't exactly lining up to buy multiple DNA tests. Shocking, I know. The company couldn't turn those one-hit-wonders into loyal subscribers, says the Wall Street Journal.

Data Limbo: What Happens Now?

With 23andMe's future about as stable as a Jenga tower, users are rightfully freaking out about their data. Recent data breaches and board resignations aren't exactly reassuring.

You can request data deletion, but good luck navigating that bureaucratic maze.

Bye-bye, DNA Data: How to Delete

If you're ready to say "boy, bye" to 23andMe, you can remove your personal info anytime. Just opt out in the 23andMe data section of account settings. They claim your data will be deleted uponrequest.

But plot twist again! Their privacy statement says they're legally required to retain some info. Surprise!

"23andMe and/or our contracted genotyping laboratory will retain your Genetic Information, date of birth, and sex as required for compliance with applicable legal obligations... even if you chose to delete your account," they sneakily mention.

So there you have it, folks. The ancestry party's over, and the clean-up's a mess. Can't say we're surprised.