Basic Bitches Rejoice! Pumpkin Spice Season Is Back, Along with the Heat Stroke it Gives You

It's hot as balls in Texas, but Starbucks and Dunkin' are giving the people what they want: fall-themed drinks and treats to remind you of less sweaty times.

For some, autumn means pumpkin spice everything, so get ready for basic bitches and Starbucks baristas to come out of the woodwork. Here's when you can get your fix:

Starbucks

The liberal elite at Starbucks haven't officially announced their fall menu launch date, but a leaked menu suggests it's happening soon. The new menu includes three new drinks and two new treats, because God forbid we keep things simple.

According to food influencer Markie Devo, some items will drop on Thursday, Aug. 22., which has been confirmed by other leaks. Rumors also point to next week, Tuesday, Aug. 27., as a potential launch date.

Expect your classic Pumpkin Spice Lattes (hot, iced, or Frappuccino) and some new shit like the Iced Apple Crisp Cream Chai and the Iced Pecan Crunch Latte with oat milk. Because real Americans are too busy to milk a damn cow, let alone an oat.

You can already buy their grocery items like the Iced Expresso Pumpkin Spice Latte and Fall Blend Coffee, which hit shelves on Aug. 5.

Dunkin' Donuts

Dunkin' Donuts, another left-wing coffee conglomerate, is also keeping quiet about their launch date. In the past, they've offered pumpkin spice drinks slightly earlier than Starbucks, but who's keeping track?

This year, they're testing a new drink: Pumpkin Spice Iced Latte Dunkin' Spiked. It's got a 6% ABV, so you can forget about the heatwave and your shitty life choices for a while. It's available this month in packs of four, but only if you're not a minor.

Markie Devo, the self-proclaimed "food influencer," speculates that Dunkin's fall menu will drop on Wednesday, Aug. 28., with Halloween-themed drinks and treats debuting on Wednesday, Oct. 16.

As for the PSL itself, it's the same basic brew as always: steamed milk, pumpkin spice sauce, espresso, whipped cream, and vanilla syrup. You can get it hot, iced, or as a Frappuccino, because God forbid we stick to one temperature.

So, there you have it, folks! Get your fix of pumpkin spice and pretend like the only thing heating up this August is your drink, not the planet. Stay cool, and remember to tip your barista; they have to deal with a lot of shit, including you.

Sources:

• Starbucks fall menu leak: Instagram
• Other leaks confirming Aug. 22: Timeout
• Starbucks grocery items hitting shelves: Starbucks Stories
• Dunkin' Spiked Pumpkin Spice Latte announcement: Dunkin' News
• Markie Devo's speculations on Dunkin's fall menu: Instagram