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Dems in Dreamland: Biden Hands Torch to Harris, as DNC Kicks Off Circus of Clowns and Has-Beens

The Democratic National Convention kicked off with a bang on Monday, as everyone's favorite cognitively challenged president, Uncle Joe Biden, passed the torch to his sidekick, Kamala Harris, paving the way for their re-election bid in 2024. Yes, you read that right, folks—the dynamic duo is back and ready to wreak more havoc on America!

But wait, it gets better. Harris has chosen none other than Gov. Tim Walz of Minnesota as her running mate. Oh, the excitement is real!

In other news from the DNC's first day, we had a real-life remontada—former loser, I mean, candidate, Hillary Clinton, gave a speech. I bet she was just full of vibrant and captivating stories from her days as Secretary of State. You know, the days when Benghazi was a thing. Oh, and let's not forget the brief appearance of Rev. Jesse L. Jackson Sr., who received a standing ovation. I mean, the guy has Parkinson's, so that's something, right?

Speaking of Losers... Tonight's Lineup:

5:30 PM

• Jason Carter—Grandson of President Jimmy Carter. Because, you know, it's all about legacy.
• Jack Schlossberg—Grand Master Yoda would be proud of this Kennedy clan member.
• Malcolm Kenyatta—A Pennsylvania rep who probably thinks he's important.

6:00 PM

• Kyle Sweetser—A former Trump voter. Bet he has some fun stories to tell!
• Stephanie Grisham—Former Trump press sec. She's probably here to tell us how wonderful Trump was.
• Nabela Noor—Content creator. Must be important if they're putting her on at prime time.
• Gary Peters—Michigan senator with a cool name. Wonder if he's related to Gary from Chicago.
• Kenneth Stribling—Retired Teamster. Probably has some union talking points to spew.

8:00 PM

• Chuck Schumer—Our beloved Senate Majority Leader. Can't wait to hear about his latest attempts to control the internet!
• Bernie Sanders—The socialist from Vermont. Wonder if he'll finally admit he's a millionaire.
• JB Pritzker—Another governor, this time from Illinois.
• Ken Chenault—Business executive. Probably here to virtue signal about something.
• Michelle Lujan Grisham—Governor of New Mexico. Bet she's just full of brilliant ideas.

9:00 PM

• Angela Alsobrooks—Senate nominee and Harris' mentee. I'm sure this won't be boring at all.
• John Giles—Mayor of Mesa, Arizona. Do people even know where that is?
• Tammy Duckworth—Illinois senator. Will she bring her baby again?
• Douglas Emhoff—Mr. Kamala Harris. Wonder if he'll talk about his art career.
• Michelle Obama—Former first lady and everyone's favorite fashion icon. I'm sure she'll be talking about her concrete suggestions to fix the country.

10:00 PM

• Barack Obama—The man, the myth, the legend. You know, the guy who spied on Trump.

Themes, Because Every Good Circus Needs Themes:

• Monday: "For the People." Because they care so much.
• Tuesday: "A Bold Vision for America's Future." Bold like their denial of lab leak?
• Wednesday: "A Fight for our Freedoms." The freedom to censor and control, that is.
• Thursday: "For our Future." Scary stuff.

Watch at Your Own Risk:

Check out the live stream: 2024 DNC Day 2.

Schedule for Tomorrow's Clown Show:

• 7-9:30 a.m.: Breakfast of champions, I mean, delegations.
• 9-10 a.m.: Morning press briefing. Let the spin begin!
• 9:30-11:30 a.m.: Women's Caucus meeting. No word on if they'll be serving cocktails.
• 12-1:30 p.m.: Disability Caucus meeting. Diversity points!
• 12-1:30 p.m.: Youth Council meeting. Let's hear some fresh, uninformed takes!
• 12-1:30 p.m.: Rural Council meeting. 'Cause farmers matter, too.
• 1:45-3:15 p.m.: Veterans & Military Families Council meeting. Bet they won't talk about Afghanistan.
• 1:45-3:15 p.m.: Poverty Council meeting. Let's discuss how to keep people dependent!
• 1:45-3:15 p.m.: Interfaith Council meeting. 'Cause everyone knows the Dems love religion.
• 6-10 p.m.: Main programming. Pop the popcorn!