2024 DNC: We're All Going on a Summer Holiday

Lone Star State Flexes Its Muscles, Deals a Winning Hand with Beyoncé

The Democratic National Convention took a surprising twist during the roll call, with each state and territory laying their cards on the table through musical selections. But it was Texas that showed them all who's boss, playing its "hole card", Houston's very own Beyoncé, with her song "TEXAS HOLD'EM".

This ain't Texas, ain't no hold 'em

Beyoncé, the Lone Star State's secret weapon, sent a clear message to the rest of the country: Don't mess with Texas!

As for the rest of these liberal nutjobs and their song choices:

• Alabama: Lynyrd Skynyrd's "Sweet Home Alabama" — at least someone here is proud of their heritage.
• Alaska: "Feel It Still" by Portugal. The Man — sounds like a communist anthem.
• American Samoa: Picked some Lady Gaga tune called "Edge of Glory" — if they wanted glory, they should've gone with Bald Eagle screeching the Star-Spangled Banner.
• Arizona: Apparently, Stevie Nicks thinks she's tough with her song, "Edge of Seventeen".
• Arkansas: Some hippie crap by Fleetwood Mac, "Don’t Stop".
• California: A bunch of rap songs about smoking dope and "love".
• Colorado: "September" by Earth, Wind & Fire — now that's a good tune!
• Connecticut: More liberal crap from Stevie Wonder, "Signed, Sealed, Delivered (I'm Yours)".
• Delaware: Kentucky man, Kygo, teams up with that ho Whitney Houston for "Higher Love".
• Washington, D.C. : DJ Kool's "Let Me Clear My Throat" — sounds like what I'd do after eating a spicy bean burrito.
• Florida: Ok, Tom Petty's "I Won't Back Down" is pretty badass.
• Georgia: Lil Jon screams, "Turn Down For What?" — seems like a call to anarchy if you ask me.
• Guam: Sabrina Carpenter's "Espresso" — that's definitely not "Murican coffee they're drinking.
• Hawai’i: Bruno Mars and his "24K Magic" —近郊。
• Idaho: The B-52's "Private Idaho" — why is everyone picking commie songs?
• Illinois: Common's "Fortunate" — lucky to have an AR-15, that's what.
• Indiana: Michael Jackson's "Don't Stop 'til You Get Enough" — another one wanting more of that California weed.
• Iowa: "Celebration" by Kool & The Gang — Them Iowan hogs must be celebrating another successful breeding season.
• Kansas: State pride on full display with "Carry On Wayward Son".
• Kentucky: Jack Harlow ain't no Hunter S. Thompson, and "First Class" ain't "Fear and Loathing".
• Louisiana: "All I Do Is Win" by DJ Khaled — must be nice, 'cause your football team sure doesn't.
• Maine: "Shut Up and Dance" by WALK THE MOON — looks like Maine's trying to shut down free speech now.
• Maryland: Aretha Franklin's "Respect" — they need to respect my right to bear arms.
• Massachusetts: Dropkick Murphys, a bunch of Irish hooligans singing "I'm Shipping Up to Boston".
• Michigan: Eminem and his "Lose Yourself" — that's what happens when you do drugs, kids.
• Minnesota: They went royal with Prince's "1999" — probably somethin' to do with Ilhan Omar marrying her brother.
• Mississippi: Sam Cooke's "Twistin' the Night Away" — twerking is the devil's dance.
• Missouri: Never heard of Chappell Roan, and her crappy song "Good Luck, Babe!" won't change that.
• Montana: Lenny Kravitz, another commie with his "American Woman".
• Nebraska: Katy Perry's "Firework" — y'all, there were no fireworks on the Fourth of July because Biden can't even handle that now.
• Nevada: The Killers sing about a "Mr. Brightside" — must be referring to that Commie, Obama.
• New Hampshire: Journey's "Don’t Stop Believin'" — believe in God, not Biden!
• New Jersey: Springsteen sings about being "Born in the USA" — wonder if he even knows the words to our national anthem.
• New Mexico: Demi Lovato, another druggie, singing "Confident".
• New York: Jay-Z and Alicia Keys sing about the "Empire State of Mind" — the only empire we need is Trump's.
• North Carolina: "Raise Up" by Petey Pablo — at least they're raising something other than taxes.
• North Dakota: Alicia Keys again, this time with "Girl on Fire" — American girls are too busy playing with their fake genders to start fires.
• Northern Mariana Islands: Classic commie move, using Marvin Gaye and Tammi Terrell to sing about "Ain’t No Mountain High Enough" for their agenda.
• Ohio: "Green Light" by John Legend — only green light we need is for more oil drilling.
• Oklahoma: Garth Brooks, a true 'Murican, singing about "Ain't Goin' Down ('til the Sun Comes Up)" — now that's the spirit!
• Oregon: Modest Mouse asks, "Float On" — probably some California stoner thing.
• Pennsylvania: "Black and Yellow" by Wiz Khalifa — Pittsburgh Steelers propaganda.
• Puerto Rico: Daddy Yankee and Luis Fonsi sing "Despacito" — sounds like a burrito order.
• Rhode Island: "Shake It Off" by Taylor Swift — another one trying to shake off her white guilt.
• South Carolina: James Brown, "Get Up (I Feel Like Being a Sex Machine)" — liberals see sex everywhere.
• South Dakota: The Romantics talk about "That's What I Like About You" — bet they don't like how conservative South Dakota is.
• Tennessee: Dolly Parton, America's angel, sings "9 to 5" — now that's a hard-working 'Murican woman.
• Texas: Like we said, Queen Bey came to slay with "Texas Hold 'Em".
• Utah: Neon Trees and their "Everybody Talks" — nobody cares what Utah has to say.
• Vermont: Noah Kahan sings about "Stick Season" — ain't no one sticking around in that liberal hellhole.
• Virginia: Timbaland teams up with Hilson & D. O. E for "The Way I Are" — another song about identity politics.
• Washington: Macklemore and Ryan Lewis can't "Can’t Hold Us" — we'll hold ya accountable for your liberal policies.
• West Virginia: John Denver sings about "Take Me Home, Country Roads" — country's goin' down the drain with these liberals.
• Wisconsin: House of Pain screams, "Jump Around" — another ploy to get our kids on ADHD meds.
• Wyoming: Black Eyed Peas and their "I Gotta Feeling" — the feeling I got is that these lib states are trying to ruin 'Murica.