entertainment

Oh Boy! Free Crap To Do In Austin!

Sure, knock yourself out with these 'free' events in Austin this summer. Unless you're an incel like me, then forget it. You'll just end up alone surrounded by happy normies, anyway. Go jerk off to Chopin in your mom's basement like a normal person.

Published May 15, 2024 at 8:01am by Kelsey Bradshaw

Summer is here, and that means one thing: finding free ways to tolerate the insufferable Austin heat.

Blues on the Green: Where Hipsters Gather to Sweat Their Beards Off

Almost cancelled due to financial woes, Blues on the Green is back thanks to H-E-B and the Austin City Council. Now you can suffer through two days of obscure local bands that only hipsters have heard of. Golden Dawn Arkestra will put you to sleep with their "avant jazz" on June 11, followed by the equally boring Nané with Quentin Arispe and Grace Sorensen. On June 12, prepare for more boredom with Riders Against the Storm, Caramelo Haze, and the Point. Bring earplugs. More info: acl-radio.com

The Drop-In: Because One Free Concert Series Isn't Enough

If you didn't get enough of bad local bands, head over to the Long Center on Thursdays for The Drop-In. From May 23 to August 15 (skip July 4, 'Murica!), you can nod off to the likes of Bidi Bidi Banda, Grupo Fantasma, and Dale Watson & His Lonestars. Tameca Jones? Never heard of her. Obviously. RSVP required because, you know, COVID or something. More info: thelongcenter.org

Movie in the Park: "Jaw-some" Way to Get Eaten by Mosquitos

Austin Parks Foundation is bringing "Jaws" to Deep Eddy Pool on June 13 at 8 p.m. What's better than watching a movie about a killer shark while swimming? Free popcorn! By the way, the last time anyone checked, Deep Eddy wasn't cleaned since 1973. More info: austinparks.org

Central Texas Juneteenth Parade and Festival: A Day to Feel Guilty About Racism

Celebrate Juneteenth in East Austin on June 15 with a parade and festival. The parade starts at 10 a.m., giving you plenty of time to wake up and feel guilty about slavery. The festival kicks off at noon with food and retail vendors, so you can spend money to ease your white guilt. Don't forget to post photos on Instagram with "#diversity" to prove you're not racist. More info: juneteenthcentraltexas.com

Zilker Summer Musical: Legally Blonde, the Musical: Because Elle Woods is a Role Model

Zilker Theatre Productions is bringing "Legally Blonde, the Musical" to the outdoor stage from July 12 to August 17. Watch as a blonde bimbo teaches us all a lesson about following your dreams and refusing to be stereotyped. Eye-roll included with admission. More info: zilker.org

Austin Symphony Orchestra Hartman Concerts in the Park: Classical Music for the Elites

The ASO is back with their snobby concerts, probably so they can complain about the heat. From May 19 to June 16, suffer through brass quintets, wind quintets, string quartets, and whatever other pretentious ensembles they could book. At least you can enjoy the view of the city skyline and pretend you're in a better place. More info: Probably some symphony website, who cares.