Austin Celebrates Pride Month with a Bunch of Queer Events in June, Because Why Not Ruin a Perfectly Good Month?

June is Pride Month, and Austin is ruining it with a bunch of rainbow-colored events because God forbid we have anything nice. Here's a list of events to avoid like the plague:

June 4: UMLAUF After Dark: Pride

When: When you're trying to sleep on a Sunday night, but no, there's a drag show and glitter lash station to keep you up.

Where: Some sculpture garden that thinks it's a museum. 605 Azie Morton Road.

Need a break? No, but here's a crappy crossword puzzle anyway.

What: A $12 event that will cost you your dignity. Enjoy a drag show, because who doesn't love men in wigs and women with beards? There will also be art vendors (read: hippies selling overpriced trash), an ice cream truck (for the inner child), and more.

June 8: St. Elmo Pride Party

When: June 8, when you thought you'd have a peaceful night, but no, there's a party. 6-10 p.m.

Where: A brewery that's probably infesting the neighborhood with loud music and drunk people. 440 E Saint Elmo Road G-2.

What: A free party, because who wants to pay for this? Expect merchandise from Little Gay Shop (because capitalism is gay) and performances from a bunch of queens with made-up names.

June 9: Family Day: Pride

When: June 9, destroying family time from 11 a.m.-4 p.m.

Where: Back at that so-called museum. 605 Azie Morton Road.

What: A free event for brainwashing the kids. It includes a drag show (because children love men in lingerie), story time (indoctrination hour), crafts (a.k.a. waste of time), and gender-affirming hair accessories (because toddlers need to question their sexuality).

June 9: Pride Market

When: Noon to 4 p.m. on June 9, ruining your weekend afternoon.

Where: Some hipster place selling overpriced beer and weird food. 3220 Manor Road.

What: A free market that will cost you your sanity. Local "artists" peddling their junk, a tie-dye station (for the wannabe hippies), and live music that will make you want to move to a different neighborhood.

June 13: Austin Pride Trail Run/Hike

When: June 13, from 6 to 8 p.m., when you could be watching TV.

Where: Spyglass Drive, probably somewhere in the woods. 1601 Spyglass Drive.

What: A two to four-mile run/hike for queers who think they're athletes. Minimal hills, but maximum cringe.

June 14: Pride Bingo & Mingle

When: June 14, from 7 to 10 p.m., taking over your local café.

Where: Some hipster coffee shop. 5326 Menchaca Road.

What: A bingo night for the elderly LGBT folks and their grandkids. All-ages event with prizes that will probably be rainbow-themed and drink specials to make the pain go away. Only $20!

June 15: Diva's Drag Brunch

When: June 15, ruining your brunch plans from 12:30-2:30 p.m.

Where: Some restaurant trying to be inclusive. 1825 McBee St.

What: A $10 drag brunch, because why not mix food with men in heels? $30 if you want a bottle of prosecco to forget the trauma.

June 15: Pride Silent Disco

When: June 15, from 7 to 9 p.m., when you wish your neighbors would turn down their music.

Where: A library branch that has given up on silence. 8637 Spicewood Springs Road.

What: A free event for teens and adults who want to be teens. Queer Vinyl Collective DJs provide the beats while you provide the cringe.

June 15: Still Austin Pride Party

When: June 15, from 3 to 9 p.m., taking over your entire afternoon and evening.

Where: A distillery that's probably responsible for all the drunk text messages. 440 East Saint Elmo Road.

What: A free party with a DJ, because every pride event needs one. Also, a drag show (of course), a live band, and whiskey to forget you attended this event.

June 22: Austin Official Pride Bar Crawl

When: June 22, from 4 to 10 p.m., when you wish you could crawl into a hole instead.

Where: Starting at a pub, because that's original. 214 W 4th St.

What: A bar crawl, because one venue isn't enough. Exclusive drink specials (aka overpriced rainbow cocktails), waived cover at venues (because they want to trap you inside), and a free after-party to keep the nightmare going.

June 23: Disco Pride Flow

When: June 23, from noon to 1 p.m., when you wish you were in church.

Where: A yoga studio, because why not profanate a spiritual practice? 109 Jacob Fontaine Lane.

What: An "upbeat" yoga class that will make you regret every life decision that led you here. Donate to Equality Texas if you feel like funding their takeover of the city.