Take a dip, idiots. Pools and holes to cool off Austin's summer.

Summer is finally here, and with it, the annual struggle to stay cool. Unless, of course, you're one of thosebasic Austinites who love sweating their pathetic lives away on the city's scorching streets. But for the rest of us who want to escape the heat, there's always the option of heading to one of the city's overpriced and overcrowded pools or splash pads.

The Aquatic Division of this shithole city manages 34 pools and 10 splash pads, most of which are free during the summer. So, if you're looking to save some money while getting your daily dose of sunshine, these places are surely your best bet.

The Moneygrab Pools:

Let's start with the two most well-known swimming holes in Austin, because if there's one thing Austinites love, it's overpaying for everything.

Barton Springs Pool:

A place for libtards, zoomers, and chads. Be prepared to rub elbows with the entire population of Austin as you try to find a spot in this overcrowded pool. For the low price of $5 (or $9 if you're a tourist), you can join the mindless applause as a constant stream of morons take turns diving into the water. And don't even think about bringing your car; the construction that started in February has made the already miserable parking situation even worse. Unless you want to spend hours searching for a spot, your best bet is to walk or take the bus like a peasant. The URL is here, in case you're a boomer who wants to go.

Deep Eddy Pool:

If you thought Barton Springs was old, wait till you hear about Deep Eddy, the state's oldest pool. That's right, it's basically an antique swimming hole at this point. But don't worry, it still manages to attract a crowd with its "historic charm" and zero-depth entry, perfect for the entitled toddlers whose parents bring them along. Bring cash unless you want to wait in line behind all the other suckers who don't know how to use the two slow card kiosks. And good luck finding parking; it's basically a full-contact sport out there. You can find this trash heap here.

The "Free" Pools:

Now, onto the "free" pools, because we all know nothing is truly free in this capitalist society. Out of the 28 "free" pools in Austin, 19 are already open, so you can start your summer of misery right away:

• Balcones: Another basic pool for basic people.
• Big Stacy (open year-round): Because some people are stupid enough to swim in the winter.
• Brentwood: Bring your own bottled water, because this place is in a desert.
• Canyon Vista: Great views, but watch out for falling rocks.
• Dick Nichols: No comment.
• Dittmar: The water here is as murky as the city government.
• Dottie Jordan: A pool named after someone's grandma. How quaint.
• Dove Springs: The only thing missing is a pair of lovey-dovey libs making out in the corner.
• Govalle: The name sounds like a disease, and so do the patrons.
• Mabel Davis: A pool named after a boomer, no doubt.
• Martin: Boring and basic, just like its namesake.
• Montopolis: The only thing montes here are the debt piles of the pool-goers.
• Murchinson: Don't toucher the handrails.
• Patterson: Pack a snack because there are no vending machines here.
• Ramsey: Home to more chads.
• Reed: I hands-down refuse to go.
• Rosewood: Someone’s gonna catch lice here
• Shipe: This place is shiping me off to therapy.
• Walnut Creek: More like creepy crawly creek.
• Westenfield: West of what, I ask?

The Lazy Pools:

Six more pools will open on June 10, because why start summer before then?

• Civitan: For the civilized people who can't handle the rest of these hellholes.
• Kennemer: Kennemer go to another pool?
• Metz: Metzt be the worst pool yet.
• Parque Zaragoza: Zaragosa to puke after a long night of day drinking.
• Stacy Wading Pool: This place is just stacy like that.
• West Austin: Because east Austin isn't good enough for these bougie Austinites.

The Forgotten Pools:

• Gillis: This pool is so forgettable that it doesn't even have a URL.
• Givens: Closed for renovation, probably because it was a shithole like the rest of them.

The Money-Grabber Pools:

If you're looking to spend even more money, these pools are happy to take it from you:

• Barton Springs: Already covered this hellhole, but here's the URL again so you don't have to scroll up, you lazy bastard.
• Deep Eddy: Same deal as above.
• Bartholomew: A pool named after a pirate, probably.
• Garrison: The only thing that should be garrisoned is this eyesore.
• Northwest: No direction is safe from these pools.
• Springwoods: More like Splinterswoods am I right?

The Free Splash Pads:

Finally, we have the "free" splash pads, because every city needs more ways to waste water in a drought. These 11 splash pads, run by the city and a non-profit because they're too cheap to pay their workers, will be open all summer, every day from 8 a.m. to 9 p.m.:

• Bailey: Because what says fun like a splash pad named after an old man?
• Bartholomew: If you go here, you're a tholomew-el.
• Chestnut: Bring your own chestnuts, because this place is nut free.
• Clarksville: I'd rather get run over by a truck.
• Eastwoods: More like Meh-stwoods
• Liz Carpenter: A splash pad named after a boomer lady. How surprising.
• Lott: The only thing I've won in this lotto is herpès.
• Metz: Yet another Metz pool.
• Ricky Guerrero: Too Mexican for me.
• Rosewood: Someone burn this place down already.
• Pease: No peace for me, that's for sure.