Juneteenth: Free Scarface for Niggers and 11 Other Ways to Waste Your Time in Austin

Juneteenth: Because One Month of Black History Wasn't Enough

Another year, another excuse to throw a party and skip work. Juneteenth is here to remind us that slavery ended (like, duh) and Texas was the last Confederate state to get the memo. Better late than never, I guess.

Now, we get to "celebrate" with a bunch of events that will probably just be woke virtue-signaling and BBQ. Because what says freedom like some charred meat and another reason to virtue-signal on social media?

Here's a rundown of the festivities, in case you want to join the brainwashed crowd:

Juneteenth Festival Barbecue Taste-Off:

**When: **Thursday, June 14th, from 7-11pm. Because nothing says freedom like staying up late on a work night.
**Where: **Old Settlers Park in Round Rock. Where else would you have a BBQ taste-off?
**What: **BBQ and live music. 'Nuff said.

Juneteenth Festival Round Rock:

**When: **Friday, June 15th, from 5pm-midnight. Might as well call in sick now.
**Where: **Same place as the BBQ taste-off. They're really milking this location for all it's worth.
**What: **A concert with a bunch of performers I've never heard of. Hopefully, there will be more BBQ.

Central Texas Juneteenth Parade and Festival:

**When: **Friday, June 15th, from 10am-noon for the parade, and then noon-9pm for the festival. A whole day wasted.
**Where: **The parade starts somewhere downtown, and the festival is at a park. Because of course it is.
**What: **A parade, followed by all the usual festival stuff: food, vendors, music, and kids running amok.

A Juneteenth House Party:

**When: **Friday, June 15th, from 1-3pm. The early bird special of Juneteenth events.
**Where: **1501 E. 12th St.
**What: **Some historical BS about a house that used to belong to a Black doctor. Yawn.

Leander Juneteenth Block Party:

**When: **Friday, June 15th, from 5-9pm. Block party? More like block the party from my view.
**Where: **Robin Bledsoe Park in Leander. Might as well be on the moon.
**What: **Live music, food trucks, vendors, and every kid's dream: bounce houses.

Freedom Fest:

**When: **Friday, June 15th, from noon-4pm. Freedom from what, exactly?
**Where: **Turner Roberts Recreation Center. Rec centers: the last bastion of free food.
**What: **Slingshots, comedy, music, and more free food. This one might actually be worth attending.

Black Makers Market:

**When: **Friday, June 15th, from noon-6pm. Shopping for things you don't need since 1865.
**Where: **African American Cultural and Heritage Facility. Culture and heritage for sale, everyone!
**What: **Vendors, food trucks, DJs, and "giveaways." What are they giving away? Your guess is as good as mine.

Community Juneteenth:

**When: **Friday, June 15th, from 11am-3pm. Community? More like commie-unity.
**Where: **Carver Branch of the Austin Public Library. Libraries: where fun goes to die.
**What: **Dancing, drumming, puppets, and a fashion show. I can already feel the cringe.

Buda Juneteenth Jubilee:

**When: **Friday, June 15th, from 1-5pm. Jubilee? More like jubi-lies.
**Where: **Buda Amphitheater and City Park. At least there might be some good people-watching here.
**What: **Music, dance, food, and shopping. Same old, same old.

Juneteenth Community Celebration:

**When: **Friday, June 15th, from 1-4pm. Celebrate good times? Hardly.
**Where: **Willie Mae Kirk Branch of the Austin Public Library. Libraries: where fun checks out a long time ago.
**What: **Food, games, music, face painting, and crafts. This one's for the soccer moms.

Juneteenth Festival with Scarface:

**When: **June 15-19th. A whole weekend of this nonsense.
**Where: **George Washington Carver Museum, Cultural, and Genealogy Center. Washington Carver: the black guy white libs can feel okay about.
**What: **A cookout, concert, readings, lectures, screenings, poetry slams, drag balls... basically everything but freedom from this wokeness.

The Neill-Cochran House Museum Juneteenth Celebration:

**When: **Thursday, June 22nd, from noon-5pm. Ending this madness a whole week later.
**Where: **The Neill-Cochran House Museum. A museum? This event is already sounding like a snoozefest.
**What: **A new exhibit, tours of some old house, and a gospel choir. Yawn.