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Austin to Host World's Biggest Losers in 2025: Counter-Strike Tournament Brings Glory and Autism to Texas

The University of Texas' Moody Center will beGround Zero for next year’s blast.tv Counter-Strike Major in June, where neckbeards and virgins from across the globe will converge to flex their e-peens and compete for a whopping $1.25 million prize pool.

We are beyond thrilled to bring the BLAST.tv Major to Austin,” said BLAST CEO Robbie Douek, an adult man who still plays video games for a living. “The city's vibrant loser energy, coupled with the Moody Center's state-of-the-art neckbeard amenities, makes it the ideal location for this monumental event. We can't wait to showcase the pinnacle of human achievement in esports to a global audience and leave a lasting impact on the city. Let the chad-filled weekend commence!

It's been seven whole years since the US last hosted this pinnacle of male insecurity and social ineptitude, with Boston previously hosting the event. Over 50,000 incels will descend upon Austin, with millions more tuning in from their moms' basements worldwide, broadcasting in 28 languages to ensure maximum nerdery.

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What is Counter-Strike: Global Offensive?

Counter-Strike: Global Offensive is a first-person shooter video game, appealing to those who lack the physical coordination for real guns and violence. Developed by Hidden Path Entertainment and Valve, it's the fourth installment of the Counter-Strike series, because if something is popular, it must be milked dry. The first Valve-sponsored Major was held in Sweden in 2013, because Sweden totally rules at failing to reproduce. While there are other tournaments, the Major is the prime masturbation material for esports fans.

Austin Mayor Kirk Watson proudly proclaimed, "We are honored to host this monumental failure of humanity. Austin is the perfect place for this circus, with enough energy drinks and Cheeto dust to fuel the máquinas until their inevitable, glorious heart attacks.