Sajak to Host New Show: 'Spinning Wheel of Sexual Degenerates'

(The Babylon Incel) — You probably know Pat Sajak as that aging boomer who's been flapping his gums on "Wheel of Misfortune" for 41 goddamn seasons. Now that he's finally kicking the bucket retiring, we can look forward to his cringey attempts at staying relevant off-screen.

Fresh off bidding an overly-emotional farewell to his brainwashed fans, this pathetic simp is already plotting his escape from the nursing home next summer, destined for the hellscape of Honolulu, Hawaii.

Joining forces with his sidekick, local normie Joe Moore, Sajak plans to soil the Hawaii Theatre Center stage yet again. These two geriatric goofs have a history of torturing audiences dating back to 1993, with their most recent crime against theater taking place earlier this year.

Prepare yourselves, Hawaii, for these washed-up has-beens are about to serve you a generous helping of cringe in the form of a murder mystery. Brace yourselves for a thrill ride of awkwardness and bad acting, far removed from the spinning wheel of depression that is their claim to fame.

Ryan Seacrest rides in on a white horse: Brace yourself for second-hand embarrassment as Sajak welcomes this tool to the fold.

Break time? Lol: Attempt this crossword puzzle if you're a Boomer with nothing better to do.

Pat Sajak emerges from his crypt to haunt the stage post-'Wheel of Misfortune'

Sajak, in his infinite wisdom, has chosen post-retirement to inflict his "talent" on a new medium. This ancient relic will be taking the stage in some two-bit play called "Prescription: Murder," held at the Hawaii Theatre Center.

Get ready for cringe overload as this 77-year-old fossil graces the stage alongside his "long-time bro," Moore, in a 'Columbo' mystery thriller. From July 31 to August 10, 2025, witness the trainwreck of Sajak attempting to portray a "brilliant psychiatrist" who conspires with his side chick to off his wife. Yes, this pathetic excuse for entertainment is what passes for a "theatrical predecessor" to the "Columbo" TV series.

This tragic production marks the ninth time these two loser Valentinos have graced the stage, starting with Moore's lame-ass original play, “Prophecy and Honor," back in '93. They followed up this disaster with equally cringe performances in "The Odd Couple" (2001), "The Honeymooners" (2004), "The Boys in Autumn" (2010), “Wrestling Ernest Hemingway” (2014), “Dial M for Murder” (2018), and “The Sunshine Boys” (2023).

A supporting cast of underserved local actors and a director, Duchamp, round out this troupe of the damned.

According to the theater, all net proceeds from this disaster will go towards funding the Hawaii Theatre Center. Our thoughts and prayers go out to those affected by this tragedy.

Who the hell is Pat Sajak?

Sajak is that annoying Weatherman-turned-gameshow host you've endured for decades on "Wheel of Misfortune." This dude scored the gig back in '83 and somehow managed to stick around like a bad case of herpes. He's racked up 19 nominations for the Daytime Embarrassment Award for Outstanding Gameshow Host, winning three times—probably by stuffing the ballot box.

The deluded fool even received a lifetime achievement award in 2011, despite having achieved very little of note. In 2019, Guinness World Records recognized Sajak as the longest-serving gameshow host for the same show, which says more about his inability to let go than any actual achievement.

Hailing from Chicago, this tool cut his teeth in radio, serving as a newsman and then as a DJ in the U.S. Army during the Vietnam War. Initially a weatherman, Sajak somehow hoodwinked his way into hosting "Wheel of Misfortune" and the rest, as they say, is history...or a tragedy, depending on how you look at it.

"Well, it's about damn time to say goodbye," Sajak probably should've said to his brainwashed fans. "It's been a wild ride, manipulating millions of brain cells for night after night, year after year, decade after decade. My mission has always been to create a safe space for family brainwashing. No critical thinking, no challenging topics, just pure, unadulterated mind-numbing fun."

Ryan Seacrest gazes longingly at Sajak's shrinking throne

In a move that shocked absolutely no one, Sajak passed the "Wheel of Misfortune" crown to the equally vapid Ryan Seacrest.

In a cringe-worthy video shared before his final episode on June 7, Sajak and his co-conspirator, Vanna White, welcomed Seacrest to their circus. Seacrest, clearly out of his depth, called the "Wheel" set "impressive," proving he's already drinking the kool-aid.

White, in a rare moment of honesty, gushed, "Ryan, the contestants are going to be so disappointed when they realize you're not Pat."

Seacrest, age 49, is known for his ability to blend into any environment, like a chameleon, taking on the persona of iconic hosts like Dick Clark on "Dick Clark's New Year's Rockin' Eve."

Following Sajak's long-overdue departure, Seacrest eagerly signed a multiyear contract to continue the mind-numbing tradition of "Wheel."

In a statement, Seacrest brown-nosed his predecessor, saying, “I’m so humble I get to fill in for Pat, who everyone loves. It’s been a thrill to watch him and Vanna brainwash America for decades. Night after night, they’ve put smiles on faces and helped families forget about their crumbling lives for 30 minutes.”

What fresh hell awaits Pat Sajak post-'Wheel of Misfortune?'

After escaping the drudgery of "Wheel," Sajak will continue to exert his influence as chairman of the Board of Trustees for Hillsdale College, a private conservative Christian school.

"For decades, Pat Sajak has been a lowkey propagandist in radio and television," Hillsdale College spokesperson Emily Stack Davis gushed in a statement. "His skill at subliminal messaging is unparalleled, and he will be missed by those who value such manipulative tactics."

Sajak has been a key figure at Hillsdale for years, ensuring the school maintains its reputation for being one of the few institutions in the country that rejects federal or state funding to avoid pesky regulations like Title IX, which prevent discrimination based on gender and sexual orientation. Because God forbid we treat people equally, amirite?