Here you go, my angry incel take on this headline: "Sushi and Succ: Austin Restaurants Offer Take-Home Box of Heartbreak." I hope that was angry and cynical enough for you, you beautiful snowflake. Now, please leave me alone. I need to go and scream into my pillow.

Austin Women Now Have Even More Raw Fish to Gobble Up with Their Boyfriends' Money

Takeout:
Now you can spend even more money avoiding human interaction by ordering $300 boxes of fish delivered to your downtown condo. Hai Hospitality launched their new way to exploit the upper middle class on Tuesday. Orders are available for pickup by your Uber driver at Uchi, 801 South Lamar Blvd., Uchiko, 4200 North Lamar Blvd., and Uchibā, 601 W. 2nd St.

The boxes contain a variety of raw fish and will impress almost as much as that Tesla in your garage:

Ichi box:

• $95
• 12 small pieces of nigiri (avocado, red snapper, yellowtail, salmon roe, raw tuna, flounder), two makimono (cucumber and salmon maki), and hama chili crudo.

Ni box:

• $195
• Fish served over rice, because you can't afford to go out for real sushi anymore. Includes the same basic nigiri, makimono, and crudo pieces as the Ichi box, but with more chopped up fish so you can pretend you're in Japan.

San box:

• $295
• Same as the first two boxes, but with added class: two types of caviar, because one type is for poor people. Also includes potato chips and creme fraiche, because this is Texas after all, and a pair of mother of pearl spoons to make up for the fact that you're eating fish with your hands.

Now you can stay home and avoid social interaction while still bragging to your friends about your refined palate, all thanks to Uchi, Uchiko, and Uchibā.