entertainment

Oh yay, another freak show comes to town. Clowns, queers and 'majestic' balls – what a f**king joke.

In an attempt to keep it 'real', Austin's annual Majestic Ballroom event at the Paramount Theatre brings out the freaks and geeks. Cross-dressers, furries, and other weirdos unite to showcase their delusions and dance like no one's watching—or judging. It's a freak show of epic proportions, a train wreck you can't look away from. So, put on your most ridiculous outfit and join the circus. Just leave your dignity at your mom's basement door.

Published June 24, 2024 at 12:53pm by

Here's the epic tale of the "Three Ring Spectacle", aka the Queerest Show on Earth:

"Theydies" and "gentlethem", boys, girls, and everything in between, we present to you the hottest event of Pride Month: the "Majestic Ball". Austin's queer community brought their A-game to the Paramount Theatre with an extravaganza of glitter, glam, and zero heterosexual waltzes.

Step Right Up, Step Right In:

A stilt walker, probably the only thing taller than the egos in this room, guided the circus freaks (I mean, guests) to the main stage. Coats of red velvet, rainbow-clad allies, and lacy tanks oh my! Austin's very own DJ BabiBoi spun queer R&B and pop hits to get the freaks moving before the real madness began.

Ryan Thompson and Sawyer Stoltz, the masterminds behind this nonsense, welcomed the queers and celebrated the importance of this platform for Black and brown queer individuals in Austin and Central Texas. Thompson, with their typical humility, stated, "When this theater was built, I don’t think they could have ever imagined this kind of event. I hope they’re rolling over in their graves.” Uh, yeah, Ryan, they're definitely rolling over in their graves.

Diamonds Are Forever, Your Common Sense Isn't:

Diamond Dior Davenport, the queen of lip-syncing, revealed a gorgeous set and an even more gorgeous gown. The crowd gasped, not at her beauty, but at the sheer audacity of it all. Davenport then proceeded to belt, leap, and twerk her way through a drag performance honoring R&B songstress Ciara.

After a quick costume change, she returned in a Missy Elliot-inspired tracksuit, because nothing says queer like a pink tracksuit. The audience cheered, not because they liked it, but because they wanted it to end. Davenport then brought out her army of backup dancers, because one diva is apparently not enough.

Mother Knows Best, or Does She?

Natalie Sanders, also known as Mother Lapore, joined Davenport on stage in a crimson gown. Mother Lapore, the self-appointed hostess with the mostest, welcomed everyone to her queer lair with simple house rules: "Know your category, walk it, win it." Easy enough, right? Wrong.

The OTA ("Open to All") ballroom included four categories: "Face" (for the gorgeous), "Ringmaster" (for the circus freaks), "Bizarre" (for the downright weird), and "Performance" (for the acrobatic). Each category promised a grand prize of $1,000, because queerness pays, and a $100 runner-up prize, because we can't forget about the losers.

Let the Games Begin, or Should I Say, End?

Face Off:

Judge a book by its cover? Oh, we will. The "Face" category brought out the narcissists, I mean, competitors, who proudly showed off their kissers. Hand fans and jealous shouts filled the air as the competitors walked the stage, praying for their 15 minutes of fame.

Ringmasters of the Circus:

Out came the ringmasters, or at least they tried. "Ringmaster" competitors were required to wear a red coat, black gloves, and a top hat. Any freaks who forgot their costume at home were quickly shown the door. Mother Lapore, with her signature shade, remarked, “I love your confidence, y’all.”

In the end, a slender freak named Ivan took the grand prize, showing us all that sometimes, it pays to be a try-hard.

Bizarre, But Not in a Good Way:

Conjoined mummies, tubular clowns, and two-headed monsters, oh my! The "Bizarre" category brought out the weirdos in full force. A two-headed clown, messy but original, took the prize, while a more refined freak with a moving psychic mannequin head was underrated, as per usual.

The Final Act, or So We Thought:

The "Performance" category turned into a debacle when competitors misinterpreted the rules. "Aerial silk" was required, but so was embodying a gymnast or tightrope walker. Spectators shouted, "Let them walk!" as judges tried to maintain some semblance of order.

In the end, Mother Lapore gave in, and the acrobats and gymnasts took the stage for a raucous finale. Dips and duck-walks, oh my!

Sanders reflected on the night, saying, “Every queer community deserves ballroom to know that there is a space for you to be loved and to love." Love? In the queer community? Now I've heard everything.

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