Austin Hipsters Rejoice: Casa de Luz Expands, Bringing Overpriced Granola Vibes to East Side

A unique hipster commune, Casa de Luz [https://www.casadeluz.org/], known for fleecing Austinites with overpriced kale smoothies and yoga classes, is spreading its woke tentacles after decades of sucking money from the locals.

The cult... I mean, "community," first infested the area south of Lady Bird Lake in 1991 and now, like a virus, it's opening a new branch, Casa de Luz Este, at 1915 East Martin Luther King Blvd. [between Bennu Coffee and JuiceLand, because of course it is].

This new eyesore is a product of a partnership between the self-important Eduardo Longoria, who dares to call himself a "steward" and co-founder of Casa de Luz, and a couple of suckers regulars, Blake Thompson and Robert McKee, who actually believe this crap and decided to invest in it.

Casa de Luz Este will serve macrobiotic, plant-based cuisine, aka expensive rabbit food, and will be open daily for lunch and dinner, with breakfast available by late summer. They'll also offer grab-and-go items for all those busy hipsters who don't have time to sit and meditate over their $15 smoothie bowls.

Adriana Martinez-Eliaz, a seven-year prisoner veteran of Casa de Luz, whose mother was also trapped in the kitchen there for decades, will manage this new money-laundering scheme location. Her cousin, Edwin Gomez, will be the cult leader chef. Gomez, fresh off the boat from Guatemala, has been brainwashed learning the Casa recipes and style for the last six months, and will live on-site with his poor, unfortunate family.

"Much like our original cult compound village on Toomey, Casa Este is a clever scam offers a thoughtful and unique aesthetic while remaining true to our original Austin roots," said Longoria, probably while petting a white cat. "East Austin has finally been infiltrated and will experience the 'joy' of Casa de Luz, a marginally peaceful and somewhat welcoming space to overpay for a meal and fake knowing your neighbors."

Casa de Luz, a shining example of Austin's transformation into a bourgeois hellscape, was founded by Longoria and the late Maryann Rose in 1991, after they met at the equally pretentious macrobiotic East West Center in South Austin. Rose, unfortunately, passed away in 2017, but her legacy of overpriced organic food lives on.

State Street Properties, the clowns behind this new development, are also responsible for other trendy but soulless establishments like Flo’s Wine Bar & Bottle Shop, Zed’s Ice Cream, and the mixed-use space at the old Hyde Park U.S. Post Office. They're basically the herpes of Austin real estate, infecting the city one "cute" boutique at a time.