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"Local Lake Offers Refuge from Sweltering Texas Heat; Don't Expect Any Laid, Just a Handjob, Loser"

If you're looking to get your rocks off in a canoe, head on down to the Rowing Dock, where you can rent a kayak and hopefully drown, or if you're lucky, bang one out in the canoe with a thot before tipping the boat and drowning. Austin Paddle Shack has stand-up paddleboards for rent if you're into showing off your bulging quads to basic chicks, while EpicSUP is there for the soyboys who want to kayak but are too scared of drowning and therefore need something "safer".

Published June 25, 2024 at 10:38am by Hannah Ortega

Hot and Horny Austinites Strip Down and Show Off Their Pastiness as They Flock to Local Waters to 'Cool Off'

As the temperature rises, Austin's pale populace is scrambling to find ways to stay cool and showcase their pristine, untanned skin. Because who wants a healthy glow when you can blind people with your translucent legs?

Kayaking/Stand-up Paddleboarding

Because nothing says "Austin" like a bunch of hipsters pretending to be athletes on the water. Check out these places to rent your vessel of choice and join the fray:

Rowing Dock (2418 Stratford Drive) - Just in case you feel like rowing your way to absolute nowhere.
Austin Paddle Shack (600 E. Riverside Drive) - Shack up with other paddle boarders and conspire about how to knock each other off.
Austin Rowing Club (74 Trinity St.) - Exclusivity at its finest. Come row with us if you think you're good enough.
EpicSUP (2200 S. Lakeshore Blvd.) - Nothing says epic like falling into the river and getting dragged downstream by the current.
Live Love Paddle (1610 E. Riverside Drive) - Live, love, and potentially die trying to navigate the waters of Lady Bird Lake.
Texas Rowing Center (1541 W. Cesar Chavez St.) - The only thing you'll be rowing here is your boat, definitely not a date.

Boat Rentals

Can't afford a boat? Fake it till you make it and rent one! Or just make some rich friends and mooch off them instead. These places have got you covered:

Austin Rental Boats - Rent a party boat and pretend you have friends.
Lake Travis Yacht Rentals and Party Boats - Rent a luxury yacht and pretend you're rich.
ATX Party Boats - Double-decker boats for double the faux pas as you try not to fall overboard.

Tubing

If you're more of a "go with the flow" kind of person, tubing is the way to go. Float down the San Marcos River and pray you don't encounter any wild animals (or wild college kids for that matter).

Texas State Tubes - Tube like a true Texan.
Austin Tubing Trips - Take a trip, man. A tubing trip.
Lions Club Tube Rental - Rent a tube and feel like a lion. Rawr.
Son's River Ranch - Tube and kayak at your own risk.

Riverboat Rides

Prefer to stay dry but still want to be on the water? These riverboat rides have got you covered:

Lone Star Riverboat Cruises - Cruise down the river and pretend you're a star.
Capital Cruises - Capitalize on your chance to see some bats.
Lake Austin Riverboats - It's a boat, on a river, need I say more?

Snake Island: A Hippie Hideaway

If you're looking for a more "unique" experience, Snake Island might be your vibe. Located in the eastern part of Lady Bird Lake, it's maintained by a group of hippies who probably smell like fertilizer. According to EpicSUP manager, Daniel Broxton, "they just do their own thing."

Despite the name, snakes are not the main attraction. Instead, you'll find a picnic table, a rope swing, and tree carvings left by lovers. So, if you're into creepy and clandestine hangouts, paddle your way over to Snake Island. Just watch out for those fertilizer-loving hippies.