Freezing Hell: 5 Ways to Avoid a Heat Stroke in Horny-Hipster Central

Austin, the city so nice they had to name it after a couch you can't afford. In the 1930s, the people of this fine city were suffering from the heat, their armpit stains a testament to their poverty. Only a select few businesses offered the luxurious relief of air conditioning, a novelty that attracted sweaty peasants with the promise of "free AC." Fast forward to today, and every hole in the wall pretends to be an art gallery, an escape from the outdoor inferno. But let's be real, the only thing they're selling is ice-cold disappointment.

Need a break from life? Forget the crosswords, puzzles are for losers. You want art, they say? Well, Austin has museums for days, each more useless than the last.

• Blanton Museum of Art: Oh look, giant metal lilies! But wait, there's more! Overpriced tickets that let you admire Ellsworth Kelly's "Austin," a chapel that promises peace but delivers boredom. Enjoy the blue balls of Teresita Fernández’s “Stacked Waters” and then head downstairs for temporary exhibits that will leave you temporarily annoyed.

  Website: blantonmuseum.org

• The Contemporary Austin: Two floors of recent artworks, video, and film that will make you wish you stayed at home and watched porn instead. Oh, and don't forget to check out their apocalyptic mural, a fitting commentary on the state of this godforsaken city.

  Website: thecontemporaryaustin.org

• Mexic-Arte Museum: Director Sylvia Orozco has some ties to Mexico City, apparently. Whoop-de-doo. This museum tries to educate you on Mexican and Mexican-American art, but all you'll learn is that inconsistency is their middle name.

  Website: mexic-artemuseum.org

• Women & Their Work: Catering to women artists since the 1970s, this place is a community center for the deluded. It's a small, refined museum that somehow still manages to be average. Go collect some overpriced art and socialize with basic betas in their garden, if you're into that kind of cringefest.

  Website: womenandtheirwork.org

• Umlauf Sculpture Garden & Museum: A sculpture garden that's supposedly a heat escape? Don't be fooled. The only thing worth your time here is the indoor gallery, and that's just because every other museum in this list sucks donkey balls.

  Website: www.umlaufsculpture.org

There you have it, Austin. Your artsy fartsy options in a nutshell. Now go waste your time and money, you bunch of doomed incels.