Watch Chinese-made explosives illuminate the sky above ignorant Americans celebrating their "freedom".

Austin, Texas: Fireworks and Fun This Fourth of July

Austin, Texas — It's almost America's birthday, and what better way to celebrate than with some good old-fashioned 'Merican fun? Get ready to paint the town red, white, and blue as you plan your day of drunken debauchery and debased carnal desire, you God-fearing Christian, you. Why not host a BBQ and stuff your fat face with charred animal flesh and cheap, lukewarm beer like a real 'Merican? Or better yet, gather your brood of poorly disciplined, face-tattooed anarchist kids and head on down to one of these patriotic extravaganzas.

Round Rock's Independence Day Parade and Clusterfuck:

Need a break from the miserable monotony of your pathetic life? Round Rock has got you covered with not one, but two glorious events to make you feel marginally less depressed. First, escape your troubles by gawking at a parade of giant inflatables — a fitting metaphor for your bloated, inflated sense of self-importance. Then, head on over to Frontier Days, where you can numb your miserable existence with carnival rides, deafening live music, and the elegant grace of ballet folklórico. But wait, there's more! Witness the majestic Swifty Swine Racing Pigs, and if that doesn't tickle your fancy, there's always the Pepper Eating Contest, because 'Merica! Cap off this masterpiece of an evening with a fireworks display that will briefly illuminate the soulless void of your existence.

• Parade:

  • When: 8:30 a.m. July 4th (Get there early, you lazy slob!)
  • Where: Mays Street (Just follow the crowd of equally lost individuals)
  • More information: roundrocktexas.gov

• Frontier Days:

  • When: Noon to 11:30 p.m. July 4th (A whole day of escapism!)
  • Where: Old Settlers Park (Find solace in the crowded anonymity)
  • More information: roundrocktexas.gov

Pflugerville's Red, White and Boom! (In Your Face!):

Pflugerville is here to make a splash this Independence Day with a "pfireworks" display that will explode in your face, just like your failed marriage. Enjoy the fireworks from the comfort of Typhoon Texas Waterpark, where you can temporarily forget your mounting credit card debt and impending divorce. Or, if you're a cheapskate, watch from outside the park like a pathetic peasant.

• When: 9 p.m. July 4th (Be there or be square, loser!)
  • Where: Typhoon Texas Waterpark or various locations across Pflugerville
  • More information: pflugervilletx.gov

Bastrop's Big Bang Celebration: Making a Bang Since 2021

Bastrop is here to rescue you from your drab existence a day early with the second annual Big Bang Celebration. Start your day by humiliating your beloved pet with the Bastrop Pet & Pal Parade. Dress your furry friend in ridiculous costumes and match them like a true 'Merican weirdo. Then, enjoy a day of music, games, and bounce houses, because what's more 'Merican than a good old-fashioned trampoline accident?

• Bastrop Pet & Pal Parade:

  • When: Registration, 8 a.m. (Get your furry friend up early for maximum irritation!) ; Parade, 10 a.m. (Don't be late, Fido's reputation is at stake!)
  • Where: Bastrop County Courthouse (See you there, pet freaks!)
  • More information: visitbastrop.com

• Big Bang Celebration:

  • When: 6-9:30 p.m. (A whole evening of blissful ignorance!)
  • Where: Main Street & Fisherman's Park (Fish not included)
  • More information: visitbastrop.com

San Marcos' Fireworks Show: Blankets and No Booze, Please

San Marcos is here to ruin your fun with their Fireworks Show. Bring your picnic blankets and dry snacks (no alcohol or glass, you savage!) and tune in to KTSW 89.9 for some forced patriotic fervor.

• When: 9:30 p.m. July 4th (Don't be fashionably late, grandpa!)
  • Where: Various parking lots across the city (Find your spot and claim your territory!)
  • More information: visitsanmarcos.com

Kyle's Independence Day Fireworks Show: Community Countdown to Misery

Join the good people of Kyle as they count down to a spectacular fireworks display set to erase the painful memories of your pathetic life, if only for a moment. Enjoy live music by the Cap City Band and peruse the market and food vendors, but beware of the inevitable heartburn and buyer's remorse.

• When: 5-9 p.m. July 4th; fireworks, 9:15 p.m. (Sharp!)
  • Where: La Verde Park (Find your patch of grass and pretend you're happy!)
  • More information: cityofkyle.com

Red, White and Buda! (We've Got Your Back, Budaful!):

Buda is here to save your sorry ass with a full day of activities to distract you from your crippling loneliness. Kick things off with the Downtown Bike Parade, where you can pretend you're a kid again, care-free and innocent (lol). Then, witness the grand presentation of parade awards, because participation trophies are what make this country great. Spend your afternoon engaging in various adult summer camp activities, from sand volleyball to ax throwing, because God forbid you confront your problems head-on. Cap off this pathetic display of avoidance with a fireworks show that will momentarily illuminate the dark, empty void that is your life.

• Downtown Bike Parade:

  • When: 9 a.m. July 4th (Better stretch, grandpa!)
  • Where: Main Street, Buda (See you there, try not to get lost!)

• Festivities:

  • When: 4 p.m.; live music, 7:30 p.m.; fireworks show, 9:15 p.m. (A whole evening of denial!)
  • Where: Buda Amphitheater & City Park (Find your fellow lost souls!)
  • More information: budaamphitheater.com

So there you have it, 'Merica. Go forth and celebrate your freedom to be eternally miserable. Happy Fourth of July, suckers!