'Merica Fuck Yeah: Fireworks, Freedom, and Bullshit to Do on the Fourth

Round Rock rolls out early morning parade, ‘Murica-loving manlets rejoice

Round Rock, Texas – Get ready to wake up earlier than you'd like on your day off, 'cause Round Rock is kicking off the Fourth of July with a fucking parade. That's right, the Round Rock Sertoma July 4th Parade will feature a shitload of giant inflatables, floating down Mays Street like a cheap Chinese lantern festival. But hey, it starts at 8:30 am, so you better set an alarm and grab your kid, it's time to be 'Murican!

If that ain't enough, stick around for Frontier Days, where you can indulge in every Texan's favorite pastimes: swine racing and pepper eating. Oh, and there'll be fireworks at dusk, 'cause 'Merica.

More info: roundrocktexas.gov

Pflugerville pulls a fast one, waterpark tickets not included

Pflugerville, Texas –台风德克萨斯水上公园 Pflugerville is gonna put on a display that'll make you go, "pfireworks?". But here's the catch, freeloaders — if you wanna watch the show from the waterpark, you gotta pay up. Either way, it's a pretty shady deal if you ask me. Oh, and if you don't feel like forking out, you can still get a shitty view from outside the park.

Fireworks are gonna light up the sky at 9 pm on July 4th, right after you finish grilling those hot dogs.

Ticket leech: typhoontexas.com/events/rwb-atx/

More info: pflugervilletx.gov

Bastrop goes bigly, starts celebrations early with pets in parades

Bastrop, Texas – If you're the kind of loser that dresses up their pet, Bastrop's got you covered. The Big Bang Celebration kicks off on Saturday with the Bastrop Pet & Pal Parade, where owners and their furry friends dress up like idiots and compete for prizes. Cringe.

After the furry fiasco, there'll be music, games, bounce houses, and sprinklers 'cause Texas in July ain't no joke. Stick around till dusk for fireworks, and pray you don't lose an eye like Uncle Sam intended.

More info: visitbastrop.com

San Marcos makes you bring your own snacks, what a scam

San Marcos, Texas -- San Marcos is inviting you to their fireworks show, but guess what? You gotta bring your own damn snacks. No glass or alcohol either, what a bunch of buzzkills. Oh, and don't forget your picnic blanket, 'cause this city ain't providing shit.

Tune into KTSW 89.9 to listen to some lame patriotic tunes while you wait for the fireworks to start.

More info: visitsanmarcos.com

Kyle's got a soft serve celebration, complete with a community countdown

Kyle, Texas – Kyle's serving a soft celebration this Fourth of July, with live music from the Cap City Band, market vendors, and a community countdown to a 25-minute fireworks show.

The fireworks will light up the sky from Plum Creek Golf Course, but don't try to get a tee time during the show, loser. Pick a viewing spot carefully, and whatever you do, don't park on the curb like a boomer.

More info: cityofkyle.com

Buda finishes off the festivities with more parades and some axe throwing

Buda, Texas – Buda's here to save you from a boring Fourth, with the Downtown Bike Parade down Main Street. If you're not too hungover, you can even join in and try to win some awards.

After the parade, head over to City Park for some volleyball, a splash pad, axe throwing (finally, something to deal with those libtards), rock climbing, and of course, more bounce houses. Stick around for the fireworks after dark, or just go home and drink alone like a real 'Merican.

More info: budaamphitheater.com