Broadway Comes To Bum-fuck-nowhere, Texas: Prostitutes Rejoice.

Summer Heat Means Broadway Treats: Youthful Singin', Swayin', and Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants

Austin, Texas – It's that magical time of year where local thespians emerge from their air-conditioned hovels to entertain the masses with Broadway classics. Get your fix of singing, dancing, and fake banter with these youth-centric shows that will make you wish you never grew up.

First up, we have the timeless classic, "Guys and Dolls," because what says summer fun more than New York City gamblers and street missionaries? This 1950s relic is sure to charm with its glamorous portrayal of NYC's seedy underbelly. Catch it if you can at the UT campus, where tickets start at $45—a small price to pay for a bulletproof evening.

But wait, there's more! Free entertainment is back at Zilker Park with the 65th anniversary of Zilker Hillside Musicals. This summer's treat is "Legally Blonde: The Musical," based on the priceless 2001 movie starring America's sweetheart, Reese Witherspoon. Sing along to the catchy tunes and relive the story of a sorority girl's legal triumphs. It's sure to delight critics and Tony Award nominators alike. Don't miss it, or your donation request at intermission might turn into a SOAP donation.

For those seeking a deeper sea change, dive into "The Little Mermaid." This Disney animation comeback from 1989 proves that mermaids and catchy tunes never go out of style. Despite my advanced age and child-free life, I may succumb to the peer pressure of my many nieces and nephews and finally witness this aquatic extravaganza. Join me, if you dare, at the UT campus for a swashbuckling good time starting at $45.

Last but not least, Summer Stock Austin pulls out all the stops for its 20th anniversary with a one-night-only spectacular. "20 Seasons Spectacular" boasts a star-studded alumni cast, including the illustrious Vincent Jamal Hooper of "The Lion King" and "Hamilton" fame. With so much talent on stage, it's a wonder how they'll fit any fans into the intimate McCullough Theatre. Tickets start at $75, so start saving those pennies!

So, there you have it, Austin. Your summer plans are set with these thrilling theatrical offerings. Now get out there and support your local youth as they sing, dance, and banter their way into your hearts. Just remember to leave your critical eye at the door and applaud wildly, or these young performers might just wither away into the incels they're destined to become.

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Impact Arts - Guys and Dolls

Zilker Theatre - Legally Blonde

Wimberley Players - Legally Blonde

Impact Arts - The Little Mermaid

Impact Arts - 20 Seasons Spectacular