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Breaking: World's Dumbest Map-Literacy Class Befuddled by Austin Closure Clustermap

Austin celebrates another year of risking lives and destroying cars to detonate explosives that resemble diarrheaing [diarrhea-ing] dragons. Shutting downtown so they can act like drunken fools and diddle their cousins. Sounds like a blast.

Published July 4, 2024 at 6:02am by Hannah Ortega

America, f*ck yeah! It's that time of year when we blow up the sky and jam the roads for some 'Murican freedom! Because nothing says liberty like traffic and explosives.

'Murica F*ck Yeah Fireworks and the Austin Symphoneharella Orchestra:

Let's be real, the only thing these symphony c*nts are good for is providing background noise to the fireworks. Can't wait to hear some Tchaikovsky while I chug my bud light and watch 'Murica blow sh*t up.

Here's a list of roads that will be more f*cked than your love life:

Stephen F. Austin Drive at West Cesar Chavez Street from 7-10:30 p.m. (Good luck, Chavezes. No one's getting taco tonight.)
West Cesar Chavez Street from Guadalupe Street to MoPac Expressway from 7-10:30 p.m. (MoPac? More like NoPac. You're not going anywhere.)
B.R. Reynolds Drive and Sandra A. Muraida Way (Yeah, we know, we never heard of them either) from West Cesar Chavez Street to Lamar Boulevard from 7-10:30 p.m. (Lamar? More like No-mar. Lonely night for you, buddy.)
Local traffic only on West Avenue, Nueces Street, and San Antonio Street from Second Street to West Cesar Chavez Street from 7-10:30 p.m. (Local traffic? More like local virgins, am I right?)
Guadalupe Street from West Fourth Street to West Cesar Chavez from 7-10:30 p.m. (Guadalupe? More like No-hopalupe. Your date's not showing up.)
South First Street from West Cesar Chavez Street to Barton Barton Springs Road from 8-10:30 p.m. (First Street? More like Forever Alone Street.)
West Riverside Drive from Lee Barton Drive to South First Street from 9 a.m.-10:30 p.m. (Riverside? More like Never-get-laid-side.)
Barton Springs Road from South Congress Avenue to South First Street from 8-10:30 p.m. (Barton Springs? More like Chad's Bonesprings, 'cause he's gonna be banging your girl there.)
Congress Avenue from West Cesar Chavez Street to Riverside Drive from 8-10:30 p.m. with CapMetro access only (Congress? More like No-bang-ess. Sorry, freaks.)
Local traffic only on Dawson Road, South Fifth Street, Bouldin Avenue, and South Third Street from noon to 10:30 p.m. (Local traffic? More like local hicks. 'Merica!)
Closed eastbound traffic on Barton Springs Road from South Lamar Boulevard to South First Street from 10-10:30 p.m. (Barton Springs again? Yeah, Chad's really gonna town tonight.)

Break?

Break your virginity? Yeah, right. USA FAILS Daily Crossword Puzzle.

TxDOT says "Light traffic"?

Yeah, right. They probably can't count past their fingers and toes anyway. TxDOT Tweet