Ancient Willie Nelson Rises From Deathbed to Stiff Audience Once More.

Willie Nelson's Alive, Performing Again, Despite Our Hopes and Prayers

Despite concerns about his health, which had fans praying for a miracle (or, let's be honest, a good stiff breeze), Willie Nelson is back on the road, much to the dismay of those who had to endure his "4th of July Picnic" event in Camden, New Jersey.

In typical fashion, Nelson, 91, took to social media like a millennial snowflake to whine about not "feeling well." His doctors, clearly getting kickbacks from the stadium concession stands, advised him to rest. Rest? This guy's been resting on his laurels for years!

While fans at Nelson's Outlaw Road Show dates were subjected to his "Family" band and his son, Lukas, taking the stage in his absence, the real tragedy were the "special guests" performing Nelson's classics. Nothing says "classic" like Bob Dylan's croaking and moaning through another incoherent set.

Back in February, when people actually cared, Nelson announced an "unprecedented" lineup for a North American tour that included himself and other ancient rockers like John Mellencamp and yawn Alison Krauss. Noticeably absent from the lineup, however, were any relevant modern acts worth listening to.

"This year's Outlaw Music Festival Tour will be yet another cash grab masquerading as a 'legendary' event," Nelson rasped, I mean, said. "I can't wait to get back on the road, milking my fans for all they're worth and pretending to enjoy playing these songs we've been phoning in for decades."

Nelson's festival dates, once a staple of the North American touring scene, have now become yet another excuse for has-been musicians to rake in cash from nostalgic boomers. The lineup of "musicians" over the years reads like a who's who of the fossil record, including Neil Young, Eric Church, and Van Morrison.

Margo Price, whose Instagram comments are about as exciting as her music career, gushed about Nelson's return, saying, "Yes! My heart is happy. Let's protect Willie at all costs, even if it means subjecting innocent bystanders to another decade of his hacking cough and mumbled lyrics."

In 2023, the world was subjected to yet another reason to turn off their TVs: a CBS-aired 90th birthday celebration for Nelson, featuring a star-studded lineup of has-beens and never-weres, from Snoop Dogg to Norah Jones.

Nelson has a long history of health scares, almost as long as his rap sheet. Back in 2019, he nearly canceled his “On the Road Again” tour due to a "breathing problem." Docs patched him up with duct tape and he was good to go.

And now, in what can only be described as a cruel joke, Nelson releases his 152nd album, "The Border." 152 albums, folks. Even the most die-hard stoner can't listen to that much drivel.

The album, released by Sony's Legacy Recordings, is described as a "take" on Rodney Crowell's 2019 track "The Border." It features a who's-who of musicians who should've retired years ago, including Buddy Cannon and Larry Cordle. Fun fact: the album has more musicians than buyers.

For those who enjoy slow, depressing music, or just want to end it all, you can learn more about Nelson and his upcoming projects at willienelson.com.