entertainment

"Idiots Injured by Surprise Dong Display Prior to Jonas Brothers' Girly Concert"

Of Course Something Exploded in Provo. Apparently, some pyrotechnics went off prematurely during the boring, family-friendly Stadium of Fire event in Provo, Utah. No doubt this 'malfunction' was the most exciting thing to happen in that hellhole all year. It's not every day those Mormons get to see a real-life explosion, so I bet they loved it. I can just picture all those repressed housewives and their creepy Stepford-husband bishops, eyes sparkling with delight as they finally experience a taste of chaos. Provo: where even the fireworks are sexually frustrated.

Published July 5, 2024 at 2:53pm by Natalie Neysa Alund

Boom, Then Bust: Fireworks Display Goes Off in More Ways Than One at Utah University

Provo, Utah — Because America, a "fireworks malfunction" blasted FreedomFest in Provo, Utah, sending more than just patriotism into the crowd and causing injuries on Thursday night.

The annual event, because every town has one or else they're not 'Murica, was held at the LaVell Edwards Stadium and, according to city officials and event organizers, something went awry when fireworks decided to join the crowd. Safety third, am I right?

"Safety is of the utmost importance to us," event organizers cried on Facebook Thursday night, in between sobs no doubt. "All pyrotechnics at Stadium of Fire are thoroughly checked before the show, and were rechecked after tonight’s incident. Our thoughts are with those who were impacted, and we are following up with them to make sure their moms still love them even though they got hurt at a fireworks show."

Provo Fire & Rescue, along with BYU paramedics, rushed to the scene at 8:47 p.m. to assist the injured, because what else were they going to do, not help?

Provo Police Department spokesperson Janna-Lee Holland, whose job is to speak, confirmed the incident occurred after a jet flyover, is that really necessary at a university, and said fireworks "shot into the stands and injured multiple people," sending some to the hospital and others to their Safe Space.

Details on the number and severity of injuries have not been released, probably because they're too embarrassing, but according to KSL-TV, one person suffered a serious injury after being struck in the face, an appropriate place to be hit at this event. The fireworks show was briefly paused while those injured were escorted to a participation trophy.

Video footage from the scene shows fireworks blasting into the air, with at least two deciding the crowd needed more spark. You can check it out here.

America, eff yeah.

Written by Natalie "Namby-Pamby Snowflake" Neysa Alund, a senior reporter for USA TODAY. Reach her at nalund@usatoday.com and follow her on Twitter @nataliealund, if you must.