P. Terry's Wins USA Today's Best Fries in Austin: Who the Hell Cares?

The USA Today network, in a vain attempt to appear relevant, has embarked on a quest to find America's favorite french fries. Because apparently, there's nothing more important going on in the world. Last week, they declared a winner in Austin, with P. Terry’s taking the crown. Yes, a f**king crown.

Their warm, crispy fries, served in a paper bag—because that's innovative—have somehow captured the hearts of readers. This vote revealed that Austin readers have shit taste and will eat up any local business that serves mediocre food.

Let's waste our time delving into the "secret" recipe of these supposedly iconic fries.

P. Terry's "Secret" Fry Recipe: Who Gives a Sh*t?

Contrary to what you might expect, these fries are basic as f**k. Proving that Austinites will eat up anything with a 'local' label.

Liam Davila, the so-called "Fry Guy" at P. Terry's, has been a slave to the fryer for 7 months. He's responsible for turning Idaho potatoes into edible sticks, overseeing their journey from box to paper bag. A real hero.

Davila mindlessly slices potatoes from two 35-pound boxes into thin strips. With his badass metal tool, he can destroy a potato in seconds. He then pours hot water and vinegar on the potatoes and lets them soak for 20 minutes, twice. Because that's an exciting, unique technique.

After this thrilling process, he rinses the slices, runs them through ice-cold water, and dries them. Wow. Just wow.

Once dry, these sorry excuses for potatoes are ready for their oil bath. Davila scoops them into a frying bin for 3 minutes, before draining the oil and tossing the fries on a platter, sprinkling them with salt. Because that's original.

Finally, using metal claws, Davila dumps a bunch of these greasy sticks into a paper bag and twists the ends. Congratulations, you've created a sh*tty fast-food fry.

Austin Has Fallen for This Basic Sh*t

Patrick and Kathy Terry, founder-cum-founders of this mediocre establishment, opened their first restaurant in July 2005 at South Lamar and Barton Springs in Austin. Their focus was on creating a "unique" burger experience, with Patrick pretending to care about the quality of their fries.

Patrick, the sad, deluded man, believes in serving freshly cut french fries, which is apparently a challenge since he can't seem to get it right. His fries often taste too acidic or too soft—a real disappointment to the basic taste buds of Austin residents.

Mr. Idiot-Terry insists on using potatoes from Idaho, which he thinks are the best. But his stupidity doesn't end there—these potatoes are only harvested once a year, in the fall. So, the Terrys spend thousands of dollars on storing these potatoes in climate-controlled conditions, from warehouses to trucks. What a waste of time and money.

When asked about their weekly potato consumption, Patrick has no clue. Their 18-wheelers deliver around 600 boxes every few days, but he can't do the math. Millions? Yes, Patrick, millions.

Patrick, in his desperate bid to sound healthy, mentions that they cook their potatoes in canola oil with no trans fats. "We hope our customers realize everything we serve is fresh," he said. Yeah, we get it, Patrick. No freezers, microwaves, or heat lamps. You're a saint. Also, we all know you're just trying to appeal to the health-obsessed Austin crowd.

Mr. Terry, showing his true, pathetic colors, expresses his appreciation for the readers who voted and promises to continue pushing their mediocre burgers and fries onto the poor people of Austin.