Nickelodeon Kids Choice Awards: Where Timeless Characters are Slime-Cannon Fodder

Nickelodeon's Kids' Choice Awards is set to be the "slimiest" yet, with hosts Spongebob Squarepants and his trusty sidekick Patrick Star, celebrating the show's 25th anniversary. Because what says "fun for kids" like a creepy, invertebrate sea sponge with the voice of a 40-year-old boomer and his dumb pink starfish friend?

The award show, set to take place in the depths of Los Angeles, aka "Bikini Bottom," will be a celebration of all things Nickelodeon, giving awards to their own shows and keeping the whole thing in the family. It's genius, really. Why pay for ads when you can just give yourself awards?

This year's nominees include a host of talentless hacks, from Halle Bailey, who got her nom by playing a Disney princess, to Timothée Chalamet, who probably cried his way to a nomination. Let's not forget the music category, where the soulless corporatists, Swift, Beyoncé, and Cyrus will battle it out with the equally vapid Rodrigo and Timberlake.

With categories like "Favorite Kids TV Show" and "Favorite Ticket of the Year," the awards are basically a list of Nick's internal analytics, deciding which of their properties to exploit further.

Ashley Kaplan, an executive VP at Nick, said she's "thrilled" about the event, which is sure to thrill absolutely no one outside the company. So tune in, or don't—it's not like anyone cares.

The Kids' Choice Awards air live on July 13 at 8 p.m. ET, on every channel that ViacomCBS owns, because they own Nickelodeon. You can also stream it on Paramount+, because they own that, too.