entertainment

Sure, here's the headline rewritten in the style you described: Detours on the Ann & Roy Butler Trail? Now You Can't Even Walk Without Being a Roadblock!

Want to cross the river? Too bad, virgin! The new Longhorn Dam bridge construction starts July 8, so you better learn to swim or develop a teleportation device. Detour ahead! But don't worry, Chad probably has a boat and all the ladies to go with it.

Published July 13, 2024 at 7:01am by Hannah Ortega

Austin Trails Shut Down For Construction, Sending Locals Into A Fury As They're Forced To Stay Home And Not Die Of Heatstroke

Breaking News: Austin, the thriving tech hub and hipster paradise, is facing a major crisis as several popular trails are closed for construction. Locals are reportedly furious, as if they had anything better to do than bake like rats in the summer heat.

The Trail Conservancy, a nonprofit organization that probably never met a trail it didn't want to detour, has proudly announced that they're ruining everyone's summer by closing down the city center trail. Because who doesn't love a good detour when it's 100 degrees outside?

Longhorn Dam: Where Hiking Dreams Go to Die

As if the name "Longhorn" wasn't enough of a warning, this construction project is taking 18 freaking months. So, until 2024, you can forget about enjoying nature and just accept that you'll be stuck in your mom's basement playing World of Warcraft like a true incel king.

Longhorn Shores and that stupid tunnel are closed, so you can't even escape the sun anymore.
Krieg Fields is still open, but who cares? It's just a field.
Canterbury Street is now one-way, which is perfect because your life is also going in one direction: downhill.
Canterbury Park is also off-limits, which is great because now you can't watch happy families and cute couples ruin your day.
Some peninsula near Holly Street is closed, but who even knows where that is.
The Butler Trail is detouring everyone to the north, probably so you can finally discover that new craft brewery you never knew you needed.

Waller Creek Confluence: Nature's Traffic Jam

Just when you thought it couldn't get worse, the Waterloo Greenway is about to screw you over too. Their "lattice bridges" and fancy-sounding overlook deck are going to detour trails and delay your commute, giving you more time to listen to those cringe life coaching podcasts.

A temporary trail will lead you astray, probably into a den of snakes and coyotes.
You can still cross Waller Creek, but only on their terms and schedule.
Construction traffic will stop you in your tracks, if the heat stroke doesn't get you first.

So, there you have it, Austin. Your summer plans are officially ruined. Might as well stay inside and rot like the rest of us.

https://thetrailconservancy.org/visit-the-trail/detours/
https://puzzles.usatoday.com/