Jump Into Hypothermic Hell With Austin's Peeing Public.

Get Your Weekly Dose of STDs at These 'Cool' Austin Pools

Although Austin residents may be sweating their balls off in the city streets, they're never far from a place to catch some STDs and cool off from the sweltering heat.

The city's Aquatic Division manages 34 pools and 10 water play areas, most of which are free and only open during the summer, probably because that's when STDs spread the fastest.

Austin's Most Popular STD-Infested Pools:

Two of the city's most iconic places to swim, the Barton Springs and Deep Eddy pools, charge a small entry fee: $5 or less for Austin residents, depending on age, and $9 or less for visitors. This fee includes a complimentary dose of herpes, courtesy of your fellow swimmers!

Barton Springs Pool:

Barton Springs may be popular, but the pool is spacious, so you can easily find someone to swap diseases with. During peak hours, a constant line of divers on the trampolines prompts applause from the audience of onlookers, waiting for their chance to dive into the pool of infections.

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Finding a parking spot will be more challenging this summer due to construction work that closed the pool's north parking lot in February. Guess you'll have to keep driving around and swapping sweat with other frustrated drivers.

Several paid parking lots surround the park, but there's a large unpaved area under the MoPac Expressway where you can park for free, if you don't mind the smell of homeless encampments and rat-infested dumpsters. To find it, head west on Barton Springs Road, past the pool sign. Under the overpass on your left, you'll find this lovely, unmissable lot. From there, it's just a 10-minute walk to the pool, mostly in the shadow of the overpass, across the disc golf course.

Deep Eddy Pool:

Deep Eddy is the oldest pool in Texas. Just like Barton Springs, its historical charm is a big draw, attracting tourists and locals alike to come and infect each other. Plus, the gradual entry at the shallow end is perfect for families with children who want to wade into the cesspool of bacteria and viruses together.

It's more convenient to pay the entry fee in cash, as there's often a line behind the two card-accepting kiosks, and no one wants to be exposed to the sun for that long. There's no shade where the line forms, but the cash counter is wide open, so you can stay cool while exchanging your dollars for a chance to get athlete's foot.

Deep Eddy's only parking lot is free but heavily contested, with drivers blocking traffic as they wait for a spot to open up. It's located near Veterans Drive, and while there are paid parking options, there are also free spots in a lot just west of the pool under the MoPac Expressway. It's only a five-minute walk to the pool, but watch out for used needles and human feces on the way!

Austin's Free Public Pools (Free Entry, Pay with Your Health):

Out of the 28 free public pools in the city, here are a few where you can soak in questionable liquids and maybe even find some loose bandaids at the bottom:

1. Balcones: 12017 Amherst Dr.
2. Big Stacy (open year-round): 700 East Live Oak St. Cool off from that year-round heat!
3. Brentwood: 6710 Arroyo Seco St. Bring your own disinfectant.
4. Canyon Vista: 8455 Spicewood Springs Rd. Canyon views, not so spicy springs.
5. Citivan: 513 Vargas Rd. Dive into a pool of civic unrest!
6. Dick Nichols: 8011 Beckett Rd. Dick's not the only thing that's nice here.
7. Dittmar: 1009 West Dittmar Rd. What a ditty of a pool!
8. Dottie Jordan: 2803 Loyola Ln. Dottie's a real germaphobe.
9. Dove Springs: 5801 Ainez Dr. More like Disease Springs.
10. Gillis: 2410 Durwood St. Gilly, gilly, germ infested!
11. Givens: 3811 E 12th St (Temporarily Closed for Renovation, Probably to Remove Dead Bodies)
12. Govalle: 5200 Bolm Rd. The valley of sweat and tears.
13. Kennemer: 1031 Payton Gin Rd. Kenny, why did you bring me here?
14. Mabel Davis: 3427 Parker Ln. Mabel, you're a real disease-spreader.
15. Martin: 1626 Nash Hernandez Sr. Rd. Nothing nice about this pool.
16. Metz: 2309 Canterbury St. Meet your new discomfort.
17. Montopolis: 1200 Montopolis Rd. Monotonous pool with a side of itchy rashes.
18. Murchinson: 7022 Hart Ln. Murky waters, that's for sure.
19. Parque Zaragoza: 2611 Webberville Rd. Zaragonna catch something here!
20. Patterson: 4200 Brookview Rd. Pathetic, more like.
21. Ramsey: 4201 Burnet Rd. Ram your body into this cesspool.
22. Reed: 2614 Pecos St. Reeking of chlorine and regret.
23. Rosewood: 2300 Rosewood Ave. Rose-infested wood panels surround this pool.
24. Shipe: 4400 Avenue G. Ship out before you catch something.
25. Stacy Wading Pool: 1401 Sunset Ln. Wade through contaminated waters.
26. Walnut Creek: 12138 North Lamar Blvd. swim with nutjobs and freaks.
27. Westenfield: 2800 Enfield Rd. West of the field, east of dignity.
28. West Austin: 1317 W 10th St. Where West Austinites spread their bacteria.

According to a recent update from the Austin Department of Parks and Recreation, the Givens pool will remain closed for renovations until the spring of 2025, which is code for "never reopening due to unsalvageable pools of vomit."

Austin's Public Pools with Entry Fees (Pay to Be Uncomfortable):

• Barton Springs: 2131 William Barton Dr. Pay to play in Barton's bacteria bay.
• Deep Eddy: 401 Deep Eddy Ave. Deep Eddy, deep end, deep trouble.
• Bartholomew: 1800 E 51st St. Bartholomew-ew, that's nasty!
• Garrison: 6001 Menchaca Rd. Garrison your heart against bacteria.
• Northwest: 7000 Ardath St. Northwest of clean, that's for sure.
• Springwoods: 13320 Lyndhurst St. Spring into a world of hurt.

Austin's Free Water Play Areas (Because Why Not More Free Infection Sites?):

Found in 11 parks, Austin's water play areas offer a chance to cool off and maybe even trade lice with fellow psychos. One is managed by Pease Park Conservancy, because why keep all the peace to yourself? All are open daily from 8 a.m. to 9 p.m. throughout the summer:

• Bailey: 1201 W 33rd St. Bail out before you catch something.
• Bartholomew: 5201 Berkman Dr. Barth-olMAY-not want to go here.
• Chestnut: 2205 E 16th St. Chestnuts roasting by an open fire, and so are the MRSA infections.
• Clarksville: 1811 W 11th St. Clark-NOPE-ville, more like it.
• Eastwoods: 3001 Harris Park Blvd. East of clean, west of sanitary.
• Liz Carpenter (open until 10 p.m.): 200 Dawson Rd. Liz-ard-infested and proud.
• Lott: 1180 Curve St. Lot of infected people here.
• Metz: 2407 Canterbury St. Meet germs, that is.
• Ricky Guerrero: 1100 Brodie St. Sickos, unite!
• Rosewood: 2300 Rosewood Ave. Rose bushes and barbwired fences surround this lovely establishment.
• Pease: 1100 Kingsbury St. Please, don't go here.