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Take Your Basic Bitch to These French Restaurants so She Can Show You Where France Is on a Map

Can't afford to go to Paris for the Summer Olympics, you sad sack of shit? Well, buckle up, garcon, because Austin has some fancy French restaurants and bakeries that'll make you feel like you're in Gay Paree, without the hassle of dealing with actual French people.

Published July 26, 2024 at 6:04am by Matthew Odam

Austin, the 'City of Love' Now Serves Overpriced, Crappy French Food

French cuisine has finally graced the culinary wasteland of Austin, Texas, giving residents a much-needed excuse to feel sophisticated while eating overpriced snails and stale bread.

A Match Made in Mediocrity: France Meets Vietnam

Baguette et Chocolat: A delightful fusion of French pastries and Vietnamese cuisine. Because nothing says "Parisian elegance" like a bánh mì. http://www.baguetteetchocolat.com

Macron-uts and Croissant Dreams:

Bakery Lorraine: San Antonio invades Austin with their macarons and croissant sandwiches. Bon appétit, suckers! http://www.bakerylorraine.com

##蜡部门 de Poste, or How to Make French Food Boring:

Bureau de Poste: "Top Chef" reject Jo Chan brings you overpriced classics like half a roasted chicken, because why the hell not? http://www.bureaudeposteatx.com

Crepe Crazy, or How to Make a Buck Off Norwegians:

Crepe Crazy: Savory Norwegian crepes? Just put some fish in there and call it a day. http://www.crepecrazy.com

Épicerie, The French-Ass Spelling of Epicure:

Épicerie: Chef Sarah McIntosh bastardizes her own heritage with this half-assed French-Cajun mess. Beignets and fried shrimp? Hard pass. http://www.epicerieaustin.com

Heaven's Bistro Bakery, or How to Profit Off Religious Types:

Heaven’s Bistro Bakery: Chef Ghufrana Mahrukh throws some macarons and croques in a case and calls it a bakery. God help us. http://www.heavenbistrobakery.com

Hopfields, aka Campus Hipsters Gone Wild:

Hopfields: Escargot dumplings and craft beer, because God forbid you drink a Coors like a real American. hopfieldsaustin.com/menu/

Julie Myrtille Bakery and Rose Bakery, aka The Croissan-Empire:

Julie Myrtille: This woman is everywhere, like a French pastry plague. http://www.juliemyrtille.us/

Justine's, or Austin's French Shrine to Sin:

Justine’s: Austin's holy grail of French cuisine, where the escargot flows like wine and seasonality is decided by a chalkboard. http://www.justines1937.com

La Patisserie, or How the French Do Diabeetus:

La Patisserie: Engineer-turned-pastry chef Soraiya Nagree brings you macarons and eclairs that will make your dentist rich. http://www.lpaustin.com

Péché, aka Sin City on 4th Street:

Péché: Absinthe and New Orleans vibes? Sign me up, because my liver hates me. http://www.pecheaustin.com

Rocheli Patisserie, East 12th Gets Fancy:

Rocheli Patisserie: Sisters Nelly and Linda Garcia class up East 12th with elegant pastries. Bon appétit, guise! http://rocheli.com

There you have it, Austin. Your taste buds can now take a tour of France without ever leaving the city. Let the snacking and self-delusion commence! Bon appétit, my incel friends!