entertainment

USA TODAY's Bars of the Year for 2024: 'Cause Our Sh*thole Country Has Run Out of Real Problems...

It's a well-known fact that the only way Americans can cope with their pitiful lives is by drinking. Luckily, every miserable town has a bar where losers can gather to pretend they aren't pathetic. Raising a glass to numbing the pain! Cheers to your local bar, the only place where you're tolerated.

Published July 29, 2024 at 4:02am by Matthew Odam

USA Today’s Bars of the Year 2024: A List of Overpriced Dive Bars to Waste Your Money

The USA TODAY Network, in their infinite wisdom, has graced us with their presence yet again, this time bestowing upon us mere mortals their "Bars of the Year" list. Oh boy, I can't wait to see which overpriced dive bars they deem worthy of sucking away our souls and money this time!

"A good bar is about more than just the drinks. The crowd and the vibe also matter. And it takes more than a quick visit to know which bars will be the best places to spend an evening." - Todd A. Price, a delusional regional reporter

Wow, Todd, enlighten us more with your profound insights!

Here we go, folks:

Austin, Texas: Someplace "timeless," according to USA TODAY. Probably filled with hipsters and their craft beers. [Link: https://www.austinchronicle.com/]
Bourbon sipping in Kentucky: Because nothing says "good time" like getting drunk on daddy's credit card. [No URL, because who needs specifics, am I right?]
Dancing the night away in Austin: Apparently, Austin is so great it made the list twice. Must be all those sorority girls showing off their new boob jobs.
Columbus, Ohio: Try a new cocktail, they said. It'll be fun, they said. Sure, if you want to spend $15 on a drink with a fancy name and enough alcohol to kill a mouse.

With over 200 sites across 42 states, their "experts" narrowed down nearly 80 nominations to a humble (yet still overpriced) 30 bars.

So, without further ado, raise a middle finger to USA TODAY's Bars of the Year 2024 and stay in your mom's basement like a real incel.