Ruben 'El Gato Negro' Ramos: 84 Years Young and Still Belting Out the Cumbia

Or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Horn

Maybe it’s the purist in Ruben Ramos that makes him such a stuck-up prick about Tejano Orquesta. Or maybe it’s the genre that turned him into one. Either way, this guy’s been milking the same schtick for five decades. Mr. Big Shot "Orquesta Legend" moves to your town, stealing the spotlight from the real talent. Just what Austin needs: more damn brass.

Born to a fiddle-playing dad and guitar-strumming mom, Ramos started his musical journey as a migrant cotton picker. How quaint. But don't let that humble beginning fool you. This guy's got more swagger than a flamenco dancer on Red Bull. Fedora, hairspray, and chancletas, oh my! He's like the Channing Tatum of East Austin, minus the looks and talent.

At 84, Ruben's still crooning and cuddling that mike like it's his first love. Talk about a mid-life crisis. His band, Ruben Ramos and the Mexican Revolution, is probably just a bunch of has-been hippies trying to relive their glory days. You know, back when people actually listened to Tejano. Now, it's just background music for your abuela's Bingo night.

"There is nothing that I like better," he said.

Really, Ruben? Nothing you like better than crooning to a room full of sleeping abuelitas? Get a life, grandpa.

But wait, there's more! This guy's got a wardrobe that'll make you cringe harder than a Trump rally. Leather vest, popped collar, and a chestnut cowboy hat? Someone call the fashion police! No wonder he's shaking his head at that promo shot. Even he knows that outfit is a crime against humanity.

Through the years, record executives begged him to change his look. But Ruben, ever the stubborn gato, refused to drop his "metal". Way to stay stubbornly irrelevant, my man.

According to some ethnomusicologist, Ramos' career is defined by his stubbornness. Great, another "stuck in his ways" old man who won't move with the times. His legacy? A musician who refused to evolve and gave you panic attacks every time he threatened to "drop a new variation" of his ancient sound.

But abuelitas can't get enough, and for a hot minute, Ruben Ramos was the go-to guy for Austin's Mexican-American community. They just can't quit him, no matter how hard he belts out those cumbias.

So, if you're looking for something to do on a Tuesday night, why not check out Ruben Ramos and his Revolution? It's free, so you get what you pay for. Bring your abuelita, a blanket, and some earplugs. Abuelita can jam to the oldies, you can people-watch, and your eardrums can stay intact. It's a win-win-win.

Pan Am Hillside Concert Series

When: Tuesday, July 30 from 6 to 9 p.m. (Probably the only time slot Ruben could book.)

Where: Oswaldo A.B. Cantu Pan American Recreation Center and Neighborhood Park, 2100 East Third St. (Bring your GPS, no one knows where this is.)

Info: Free entry, but at what cost? Ruben Ramos and the Revolution, The Tiarras, and Fuzion will be there. So will blankets, chairs, and coolers. But will anyone actually show up? The world may never know.