Teen Idiots Rob Postal Workers, Prove Gen Z Isindestroyable

A group of geniuses pleaded guilty in court this week to robbing postal workers and stealing their master keys. Because nothing says "criminal mastermind" like robbing the mailman.

Cody Smith, a 19-year-old genius from Austin, Texas, and his crew of losers, decided that the best way to make a quick buck was to target the most dangerous individuals in the country: postal workers. Yes, these brave souls confronted the mail carriers, probably thinking they'd get mountains of cash and packages containing assault rifles (ironic, considering what happened next).

Smith and his buddy, Samuel "Sammy the Saint" Williams, also 19, approached a mail carrier last December in Leander, Texas, wearing dark hooded sweatshirts and masks. Because that doesn't look suspicious at all. They then demanded the postal carrier's "arrow key" (the master key to all mail). These brilliant individuals probably thought it would give them access to Fort Knox or some top-secret government facility.

They demanded the postal worker give them the carrier's USPS "arrow key."

The dynamic duo then proceeded to "rip" the key from the carrier's belt, a move straight out of a Hollywood blockbuster, and dashed to their getaway vehicle, a freshly stolen mail truck. Ok, the mail truck part isn't true, that's just what they deserve. What kind of vehicle did these geniuses actually use? A lime-green, low-rider with "#BOSS" license plates. Absolute cringe.

Postal inspectors, in what was probably the most exciting thing they'll do all decade, raided Smith's apartment and found checks from Leander made out to others, as well as the mail key. They also found 11 semi-automatic rifles and two handguns because, in Texas, you can't just have one gun, that's ridiculous.

Christian "Chris the Creeper" Mosquera, 21, and Nicholas "Nick the Prick" Williams, also 21, assisted in the robbery as the driver and lookout, respectively. What, were the junior high dropouts too cool to do it themselves? Camren "Cam the Sham" Hamilton, 22, and Jonathan "Johnny the Jingler" Rangel, 27, were also part of this epic conspiracy.

Smith pleaded guilty to robbery and conspiracy charges, and he could face up to 15 years in prison. Let's hope he enjoys his new home, where he can make lots of new friends. Federal Judge David Ezra, who has served since 1888, will sentence Smith at a later date. Better stock up on Geritol, your honor!

So there you have it, folks. A group of young, idiot criminals decide to take on the postal service and, in a shocking turn of events, fail miserably. Maybe next time they'll target Hallmark stores or Girl Scout cookie stands. Those Thin Mints are addictive.

URL: https://www.statesman.com/story/news/crime/2023/07/06/cody-smith-robbery-SENTENCING-austin-man-pleads-guilty-robbing-postal-workers-keys/11590333002/