Basic Bitches Rejoice: Pumpkin Spice Shitfests Are Back

It's that time of year again, when Starbucks churns out their basic-bitch PSL lattes and dumbasses line up to get their fix.

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Summer's almost over, and you know what that means, losers: time to dust off your Uggs andNorth Face jackets, because Pumpkin Spice Latte season is upon us. That's right, basic bitches everywhere are rejoicing as Starbucks rolls out their infamous PSL drinks, marking the unofficial start of fall.

Get ready for your Instagram feed to be flooded with pictures of skinny, white girls sipping their PSLs, because who cares if it's still 90 degrees outside? Pumpkin spice season knows no bounds.

According to a leaked menu by Instagram influencer Markie Devo, Starbucks is bringing back their Pumpkin Spice Lattes on Thursday, August 22nd. That's right, the basic bitches are taking over, sooner than you thought.

The menu includes the classic PSL, as well as the Pumpkin Cream Cold Brew, and some new abominations like the Iced Apple Crisp Shaken Espresso with Oat Milk. Because nothing says "fall" like shitting your pants after drinking your weight in dairy.

But wait, there's more! The leaked menu also teases three new drinks and two new treats, including the Iced Apple Crisp Cream Chai (dairy-free, for all you soy boys out there) and the Raccoon Cake Pop, because who doesn't want to eat a diseased rodent with their coffee?

"We at Starbucks take pride in shitting out new seasonal flavors that nobody asked for," said a Starbucks barista who chose to remain anonymous. "Our customers are losers who have no tastebuds, so why not charge them $7 for some cinnamon and milk?"

The PSL has become synonymous with basic white girls who think drinking pumpkin spice makes them special. So, if you're looking to spot these specimens in the wild, just follow the scent of nutmeg and hopeless romanticism.

So, as you bid farewell to your summer flings and start bouquet-throwing at your friend's autumn weddings, remember to grab a PSL and embrace the basic bitch within. It's pumpkin spice season, and there's no shame in being a dumbass.