Where The Heck Is Texas, Y'all?

[URL: https://www.google.com/maps/@31.968599,-99.901813,6z]

We all know Texas is that big, stupid state that no one can put in a box. But let's try anyway because it's fun to argue and feel superior.

"Texas is Texas," they say. Great, that clears things up. Might as well say, "Texas is better than you, so shut up about it."

Dumb Agencies and Their Takes:

• The U.S. Census Bureau [URL: https://www.census.gov/geo/maps-data/data.html]: They put Texas in the South, and also the West South Central with its loser friends Arkansas, Louisiana, and Oklahoma. Like Texas wants to be associated with them.

• The CDC [URL: https://www.cdc.gov/coronavirus/2019-ncov/cases-updates/cases-in-us.html]: Oh, great, now Texas is "West South Central." Can't decide if that's better or worse than the South. At least it's not with those liberal states on the coast.

• FEMA [URL: https://www.fema.gov/]: No set region, but Texas is stuck with those same neighbors again: Arkansas, Louisiana, New Mexico, and Oklahoma. Guess they're good for something in a disaster.

• USDA [URL: https://www.usda.gov/]: Great Plains? Really? Texas is a "plains" state now? Might as well call it flat and boring.

Texas, Chopped Up:

If you gotta cut Texas into pieces, here's how it should be done, based on how well each piece fits with the rest of America:

• Far West Texas: Send it to the hippies in California, they can be the Southwest.

• West Texas: Same, let 'em pretend they're in those Spaghetti Westerns.

• Panhandle and South Plains: Keep 'em in the Great Plains, boring farmers.

• North Texas: Ship it down South, let 'em fry.

• East Texas: Throw it in the Deep South, see if they can keep up.

• South Texas: South too, but keep an eye on the border or they'll steal all the jobs.

• Central Texas: South or Southwest, who cares, just keep Austin weird.

Share your hot takes at BAddison@gannett.com. We'll roast 'em if they suck.